Tag: vampire

Mounted Vampire Bat Head

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Mounted Vampire Bat Head
This Mounted Vampire Bat Head looks good on my wall. I just like that-

*Ding-Dong*

Oh, my pen-pal has arrived from Transylvania. We’ve been writing each other for like 4 years. It will be so good to meet him.

*Opens door*

Good even-ing! I am Count Tofour. You must be the fat blogger I write to for amusement.

Sure am. Here, sit down. Dinner is almost ready. Nice to meet you Count.

Watt is this Bat head zat is mounted on wall? This I do not like. It offends me. Tell me, you are truly tested for clean blood as you said in your letter?

Oh yeah. Clean bill of- AHHHH Get off me.

How dare you decorate with the head of my brethren! I come long way for snack. You are, how you say? Big fat buffet! *Sinks teeth in.*

Ancient Vampire Fossil

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Ancient Vampire Fossil
This Ancient Vampire Fossil goes back to the days when vampires had nothing to bite but dinosaurs. That’s how they went extinct. Duh! It wasn’t a meteor. You can see his or her vampire bat wings, the bones, even a tail. All fossilized and ready to display in your home. Some vampire probably fell in a tar pit while trying to bite the neck of a brontosaurus. Brontosaurus moved it’s neck and Vampy fell down. All so you could decorate millions of years later. My math may be off a little.
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Nosfercatu Art Print

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Nosfercatu Art Print
Don’t ever trust those leathery alien-like cats. Here’s why. They’re probably vampires like this guy. This Nosfercatu Art Print is scaring the hell out of me. Stop looking at me like I’m a mouse dude. And where did you even get a coat that fits you so well? You put that paw down mister. You stop teasing your claws menacingly in my direction or Nosfercatu isn’t getting any wet food tonight. Yeah, that’s what I thought!

Costume Bat Wings

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Costume Bat Wings
Hey, get behind me and hold my hips for a sec while I put these Costume Bat Wings on. *Cue the music* “I’m flying, Jack! I’m flying!” Like poison ivy. Wait, she doesn’t fly.

Everybody is always like, “Grow a pair!” or “Why don’t you man up and grow a pair?” Man, I wish I could. If I could grow a pair, I would grow a pair of bat wings like these and then I would flap them together so fast and lift up and do ballerina moves so gracefully. All I’ve ever wanted was to do the bat-ballet.

Yo! That right there is why you need to grow a pair. Ya sissy!

*Startled out of my ballet as I twirl with my arms against my chest! Begins to sob. Lip quivers. Then I pull myself together.* Fair enough!
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Vampire Repellent Necklace

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Vampire Repellent Necklace
Vampires hate garlic. That’s why I eat garlic bread every night of the week. Saved my life many times. Like that night I saw a shadowy figure and I hissed like a wild cat, spreading my garlic venom through the air toward him. Naturally, he retreated at the same time I continued on my way. That time it was just a reflection of myself in the store window, but still. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bites to the neck. This Vampire Repellent Necklace will help too.

Vampires hate garlic and they hate garlic clove pendants. They won’t mess with garlic in any form. That’s why you never see any Italian Vampire chefs.

Pro tip: Always watch who’s buying the garlic products at the grocery store. That’ll tell ya who isn’t a bloodsucker. Anyone that does not buy garlic definitely needs to be followed home and staked. By a professional of course. Don’t try that at home.