Alien heads! These Custom Alien Head Magnets finally allow me to collect alien heads in a way that DOES NOT involve chopping their filthy heads off whenever they try to abduct me and take me aboard their spaceships for tests.
Later that night at 3 A.M.
*Stands over a decapitated alien body, breathing heavy, with a machete in my hand.* “I told you, I don’t need a checkup! Now contemplate your dead-side manner you gray bastard!”
Is it the Day of The Dead already? That would explain that rotting zombie at the ATM machine that I had to decapitate with a shovel. It would also explain why my trip to Target was like black friday on acid. Well, time to get my survival gear ready and head out to the mountains, where I will spend my days keeping an eye out for zombies and my nights, reading by this cool Day Of The Dead Skull Faces Mini LED Color Changing Lamp.
Until one night when I fall asleep early and find a zombie gnawing on my arm. Bad zombie! Bad! *hits it in the nose with newspaper. Then when I see it won’t be trained as a pet, blows it’s head off.*
This Black Skull ring is badass. Like Biker dude badass. I bet it gives you super powers too. *Puts ring on. Beard pops up on my face and grows ZZ Top length. Denim jacket forms around my body. I smell the stink of a thousand miles of road with just 20 miles of shower. I AM A BADASS.* Now all I’ll need is a trashy biker babe to ride with. Well, not that trashy. Recycling trashy, not food filled hefty bag with a week old diaper trashy. Be nice if she had a few teeth too, but that may be asking for too much.
Please don’t hunt me down biker gangs. I love your hairy fly-ridden women.
This year, make Santa Claus think his time is up with the Grim Reaper Fiber Optic Christmas Tree Topper. Cuz the only thing grimer than a reaper is a Grim Reaper. The Grim Reaper is the grimmest reaper I know. He’s gonna be all on your tree like, “Hey Santa, was sup? I think ya better come with me. Leave the presents before you run off screaming. Thanks. Now c’mere you jolly ole f***!”
Spider-Lady, Spider-Lady. Does whatever a Spider-Lady does. You know, eat her young, go to spinning class and spin some kick-ass webs all over town, wield a knife- Wait. What the- This Alien Spider-Lady Sculpture is more badass than I thought. Nice Medusa-like hair too. Your web or mine baby? You promise not to bite my head off after? Cool.
*Some time later* That was great baby! *Smokes* Nah, I’m good. I don’t need an extra blanket. No, really, stop spinning that cocoon around me. It’s too hot for- Oh poopy.
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