Author: Artemis Winterford

Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater

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Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater
You have no idea what it is like to be tormented by a thousand souls all writhing around in your chest, but I do. Happens to me every taco night. Which was last night. After this post, I’m off to the drug store to buy whatever cream has a firefighters logo on it, cuz I’m calling in a 4 alarm fire at the corner of Owmyanus and Main. Downstairs.

In order for the rest of you mere mortals to experience this(Minus the cramping, sweating, bloating and cursing.) you’ll need this Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater. *Points to the writhing faces on my stomach.* That one’s the one I had first. See how it’s almost absorbed into my skin. That one’s the one I dropped on the floor and ate anyway. Hey you guys stop fighting. You’re gonna make me puke here. I didn’t eat all of you just to puke you u- Oh man! Here it comes!

*Wipes face, breathing heavy.* That tasted better going down.
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The Watermelon Skirt: Hey, Nice Be-Rind

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watermelon skirt
I’ve never seen a pair of watermelons crawling through the grass like that. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Gallagher. These watermelons look nice and ripe and have super nice rinds. Wait, it’s a female! Wearing a watermelon skirt. Good thing you got up. Slithering through the grass like that, your rump looked like two ripe melons walking down the aisle.

I still stand by what I said. You have a nice be-rind. And that’s coming from a guy who prefers the seedless variety.

Give Your Dog The Dognald

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Give Your Dog The Dognald
Donald Trump. Love him or hate him, we all fear the tribble on his head. One day it will awaken like the ancient horror it is and wreak havoc on the world. That’s why it’s best to teach your dog how to handle the Donald. With the Dognald.

Now your pooch can get The Donald in it’s teeth and shake him about. Watch that “hair” fly and do all kinds of crazy stuff.

Mad Science Brain Cap

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Mad Science Brain Cap
Put your thinking cap on. For real. This Mad Science Brain Cap makes it look like Dr. Frankenstein has been hard at work floggin’ your noggin. Technically it’s called the “The prefrontal cortex interference cap”, or PCIC, but that’s too many fancy words in a row for me. I just call it a “head case”, but that’s just me lashing out because that’s what I get called.

Words hurt people. If one more person looks at my fat man gut and asks me if I’m pregnant, Imma pee on ’em and tell ’em my water broke!
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Hoodie Pillow: The Hoodie And Pillow In One

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Hoodie Pillow
The Hoodie Pillow is a hoodie and also a pillow. Do you toss and turn? (*British accent* You bloody tosser!) Not anymore. If you toss and turn in this thing you’ll be taking the pillow with you.

Another bonus is that every time you lay down, you will look like Eminem from 8-Mile. Or some crazy assassin from a video game who needs sleep badly. Perfect for narcoleptics who could fall asleep at any moment. When you feel those Zzz’s coming, just fall back against the nearest wall and your head is cushioned for sweet dreams.