Tag: queen

Day of the Dead King and Queen Skeleton Statues

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Day of the Dead King and Queen Skeleton Statues
Today may not be the Day of the Dead, but that doesn’t mean I won’t buy these Day of the Dead King and Queen Skeleton Statues and put them in my yard. It also doesn’t mean I won’t kneel before the royal couple and pledge my loyalty to them. Hey, I need structure. I’m best when people or skeletons are giving me orders. That way I have someone to blame all of my bad decisions on. So what would you have me do my king and queen? Rob a liquor store? Well, if it’s for the good of the kingdom…

Sadly, that’s how I found out that skeletons don’t have access to bail money. They also don’t care that your cellmate also wants to be your boyfriend.

Spider Queen Cape

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Spider Queen Cape
Holy venomous f**k! My spider Queen. At last I found you. Let me kneel before you and present you with your Spider Queen Cape. Remember me? I was at the ball that night and we were dancing when the clock struck midnight and you ran for your carriage, dropping your spider cape. I knew that one day I would finally find the woman who fits into it perfectly. So what do I call you? The Queen mum? Spider Queen? Mother of spiders? Her royal highness? I really dig the whole superhero spider theme. Hey, nice web-sack. You’re keeping fit I see. *Smacks the royal booty and it explodes into thousands of spiders.* I see you’ve started having children without me. Laterz. *Runs*

Marceline The Vampire Queen’s Bass Axe

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Marceline The Vampire Queen's Bass Axe
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Adventure Time and heard that theme song, “Adventure Time, c’mon grab your friends..” Since I had none I had to grab a sock puppet and watch it with him. I called him Herbert. He smells like cheese. Anyway, this is Marceline The Vampire Queen’s Bass Axe.

It’s a pretty cool replica and I’m all about that bass. No treble! It looks like an official instrument in the Pepto Bismol battle of the bands. You thrash, you rock, you ease your indigestion and then play something soft.

Poison Apple Soap

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Poison Apple Soap
Check out this Poison Apple Soap. No wonder Snow White took a bite out of this thing. Looks friggin’ delicious with the frosting in the shape of a skull. How could you not eat it? Snow White was trippin balls anyway. 7 dwarves, magic mirrors, evil queens… They called her Snow White because of her coke habit. The 7 dwarves were actually variations of LSD. Crazy stuff. But true. I read it online so it has to be true.

Anyway, don’t eat this poison apple. It’s soap. It would taste like soap. It’s for washing your hands and looking cool in your home. What’s wrong with you? It would really harm you or at least make you fall asleep until some prince kissed you. Or something.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? It’s me, isn’t it? Is this finally my chance? Please let it be me. I want so bad to be a pretty pretty Princess! Eh, that’s never going to happen! I need to give up on that dream. By the way, you can also check out this Black Heart Soap. It takes a very black heart to poison someone with an apple after all.

Alien Xenomorph Queen Lamp

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aliens lamp
Etsy seller Kreatworks creates all kinds of awesome and scary alien sculptures. Most of them cost way more than I have saved in my piggybank. I know, because I just busted the thing open and counted it all up before walking down the street and spending my life savings on a Kit Kat bar. Well, THAT was a tasty retirement! Back to work now!

Anyway, this Alien Xenomorph Queen Lamp is all kinds of scary and awesome. It will totally watch you all night long as you watch it back, until you are a nervous wreck and hiding under the blankets, cursing the fact that you soiled yourself.

Lesson learned. Some things are just too scary to have in your bedroom. The next morning you decide that it would look much better in your toddler’s room.
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