Author: Artemis Winterford

Glow In The Dark Gremlin Stash Jar

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Glow In The Dark Gremlin Stash Jar
Stash your stuff inside of a glowing gremlin head. You know you’ve always wanted to. This Glow In The Dark Gremlin Stash Jar is scary and awesome.

There are three rules: No bright light. Well, that’s out the window since the damn thing glows. Don’t get him wet. Seriously. I had one of these things displayed in my bathroom once and god forbid your aim sucks and you pee on the damn thing. I’m talking all hell breaks loose! I zipped up just in time to avoid a bunch of crazy razor teeth. And it was after midnight too. You’re not supposed to feed them after midnight, so thank God this thing didn’t get a midnight sausage. Bright light hurts him, and sunlight can kill him. So there’s that.
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50 Vintage German Prosthetic Eyes: Ach Nein!

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german prosthetic fake eyes
50 Vintage German Prosthetic Eyes in the original box. They are from the 1930’s. If you know 25 eyeless Germans, this is one hell of an investment. You could easily double your money. This set is just $3,000.

Eye think I’ll pass. This a corny-a collection.
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Dog Pajamas: A Woof in Sheep’s Clothing

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dog sheep pajamas costume
Is your dog perpetually sleepy and also a nerd? Etsy seller RebelWag sells dog pajamas. For dogs. Like this sheep costume/pajama thing here. I’ve never bothered counting sheep at night, but then again, I’ve never had a dog that dressed like one.

Dammit Spot! That was too fast. Now try it again and this time jump over the bed slower so I don’t lose count. And bark when I say the number. I’m trying to fall asleep here. “One sheep.” woof! “Two sheep.” Woof……

Woof.

Shut up. Trying to sleep here. Lousy sheep-dog!
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Octopus Purse

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octopus purse
This felted Octopus Purse is perfect for the lady who needs 8 arms to hold all of her stuff. That’s all ladies. Am I right guys? *High five. Nobody’s gonna give my five? On the side? Way down low? Was I too slow?* Whatevs. If I had 8 arms I would be high-fiving myself all day long. I would pull away just before connecting and be all like, Haha sucker! Get it? Cuz I would have suckers on my arm. Burn!

Yeah, this purse is totally awesome. If I made these, I would totally call my company Octo Inc. Get it? Okay, I’ll escort myself out.
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Human Bone Chandelier

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human bone chandelier
Lovely home you have here. Is that a bone chandelier? I find it rather humerus. And creepy. As they say in France, Bonswa.

That means good afternoon you idiot!

Okay, so how do you say “Adios to your house of horrors. I’m out!”

Au revoir.

Okay then. Au revoir and bone appetit. You ain’t getting my femur, cause I’m a screamer. I’ll fight you like Libya if you take my tibia. I’ll- Do I smell cake? Maybe I’ll stay a little longer. Can we eat in the other room?
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