Author: Artemis Winterford

Fifty Farts Playing Cards

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fifty farts playing cards
This deck of Fifty Farts Playing Cards detail the ins and outs of the fart world. Now you can be hip to all of the fart terminology and when you toot, you’ll be able to name that fart.

For instance you’ll abe able to identify the difference between a “one-cheek sneak” and a “smoke screen.” You’ll know when you let loose with a “snart” or a “butt-trumpet”. Me? I play the “mud harmonica”. No matter how you pass it out your blow hole, you’ll enjoy these cards and will be able to impress your friends.

Salami Notes

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salami notes
Yeah, I used to use these Salami Notes for all kinds of things. I would write myself notes, leave messages for others, tell random strangers to get bent, but I don’t use ’em anymore. They just aren’t worth the trouble. People get real offended whenever the salami comes out. Like that time my female boss asked me for some sales figures.

No problem boss lady, I’ll just write you a note on my salami and slide it in your box nice and easy.

*slap* Pack up your desk right now you filthy disgusting maggot.

Or that time a co-worker asked me if I had any post-its.

No, but I’ll give ya my salami. Just go easy on it. It’s not like you can get this kind of meat in the Deli.

*BAM! Heel to the toe*

Then there was Bertha the hairy mole-faced janitor with hog breath.

Sure I got something to write on. How about you take my salami? Say, why are we going in the supply closet? No need to pin my arms done! Oh dear God! No, keep the lights off. Why? Why?

*shudders*

Shark Serving Plate

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shark serving plate
We’re gonna need a bigger fork! This crazy Shark Serving Plate is all about the thrill of rescuing your food from the waiting jaws of a great white shark and putting it in your own tooth-hole.

Quit sharkin’ around my food holmes, or there’s gonna be blood in the water! That sweet chum is all mine!

*Shines flashlight down it’s throat*

What the- A Reese’s Piece, a half-chewed skittle and a gummi bear? I forgot I was using this as a candy dish. Awesome! Dinner just got a whole lot more- What the? A cigarette butt!

Who’s been using my shark as an ashtray?

They Live Latex Mask: Formaldehyde-Face!

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they live latex mask
Obey, Conform, Consume, Sleep. “The man” is always telling us what to do and subtly mind-controlling us. “The man” aka these aliens from They Live.

You, reading this. You’re okay. This one: real f**n’ ugly. Well, I’m here to expose these formaldehyde-faces. I have come to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum. Because I care about my teeth is what I’m saying.

Aw, screw it. I’m too lazy to fight the secret powers that be. All I know is this guy looks like his head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957, but if you want to become one of our elite secret masters, you can buy this nicely detailed mask for $54.(Or 54 “Your God” notes) on Etsy.

Canned Dragon Meat

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canned dragon meat
You preppers can stock up on your canned corn and beans and whatnot, but while you are eating your meager vittles by the fire and contemplating why the world went to hell, I will be dining like a king. A king who hath slain a dragon! Canned dragon meat. I’m pretty sure it’s free range, so it’s all good. No dragons were mistreated in captivity. Well, up until the end anyway.

This reminds me of that movie, How To Drain Your Dragon. That was pretty sweet, even if it wasn’t the informative documentary I was expecting. Anyway nothing’s as sweet as dragon meat, cause when they’re in a can, they ain’t burning your seat.

It’s delicious, but shhhh. Don’t tell Daenerys Targaryen.
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