Author: Artemis Winterford

Zombie Light Switch Cover

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

zombie light switch coverThis Zombie light switch cover will serve as a good reminder to always keep the lights on. Supernatural stuff usually kills people at night. You know what else kills at night? Stepping on LEGO pieces with bare feet, cursing at the top of one’s lungs and then tripping over the actual LEGO creation that you built as you fall backwards on your butt.

True story.

Pro tip: There’s no good way to explain to the doctor how a Harry Potter mini figure ended up lodged inside your chamber of secrets. Always keep the lights on people.

Look Sharp With A Porcupine Quill Mirror

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porcupine mirrorOuch! Damn! Oh HOLY HELL! The blood is everywhere. Make the spurting stop. Dear God please! *passes out*

An hour later:

Ambulance guy 1: Passed out from blood loss.

Ambulance guy 2: How the hell did he think he was going to hang that on the wall safely?

Ambulance Guy 1: Is this guy’s name Caesar?

Ambulance guy 2: Huh? Oh, because he got stabbed so many times. Heh. Good one. Well, he ain’t hanging that thing up with his bloody nubs. Let’s get him out of here.

Me: Et tu, Etsy? *passes out again*

And Now, A Chicken With A Lion Head, Crowned With A Tiara

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chicken princessThe Ebay seller who unleashed this strange demon calls it a “Woodland Princess Creature.” I just see a half plucked chicken with a tiara and an old man lion face. Dude essentially just took a butterball and put some jewelry on it. It’s only $23. This thing might come in handy as bait to catch other chickens. Chickens with very bad eyesight. Damn that thing is pluckin’ ugly!
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I’ve Done All Of Those: 7 Deadly Sins Tattoo Tights

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7 deadly sinsThe 7 deadly sins. I have done and survived all of ’em. But I didn’t look that sexy doing ’em! Look at those gams! Holy cow! I used to be a butt man, but now I’m a leg man. She transformed me, just like that. You have some powerful legs, Miss Etsy model tease. Man I envy you-

Score! Did it again. I am breaking these commandments like a Kit-Kat Bar. Oh snap! Did it again. That would be gluttony for all of you keeping score at home. Cause I had like 10 Kit-Kats already today. That is also greed. Just layin’ here eaten ’em up. All sloth-like. Boo-Ya! You…Just…Can’t…Stop…Me!

Don’t Look Away From Your Cereal: Boo Ghost Ceramic Bowl

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boo ghost bowlI love the Super Mario games, but Boo scares the hell out of me. You face him, he freezes, you turn away and he comes closer. Stop doing that. It’s creepy. Just face me head on. Enough with that stalking stuff already. Really I’m just mad because this is the same exact thing I do when I see a lady I like.

Get out of my way jerk. I remain frozen. She turns to leave. I follow. She looks back. I freeze. Interesting fact: Police don’t really “get” that game. Anywho, this is a rad bowl to eat from while playing some Super Mario. Only $35. They also have Bob-omb, the Piranha Plant and Chain Chomp.