Author: Artemis Winterford

Weird Hoof Taxidermy Purse

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hoof purseLooking for a new purse? You better hoof it to the store and pay like crazy money for the latest and greatest pieces that bear expensive names who wouldn’t even shake hands with the likes of you. And besides, those un-calloused hands are too busy whipping their slave labor.

Screw that jazz. Just head over to Ebay and buy a purse that looks like it will run away as soon as you set it down. Hey, where ya going with my lipstick? The hoof purse is just $110 and if somebody ever tries to steal it, they are gonna get some serious kicks from animal hooves as you swing this thing. Seriously, the cops will identify the perp by the hoof marks on his weaselly face.
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Antique Ball And Chain: Wife Not Included

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ball and chainAh, the old ball and chain. Or as I call it, a $600 marriage simulator. Just attach this baby to your leg and get to dragging it. It isn’t a perfect simulation. I mean, you won’t have anyone nagging you about your glass leaving rings on the furniture, or complaining about that new power drill you bought for her birthday, but you will be sore and hurting after about a week with this thing.

I kid. I kid. My wife is great. And by wife, I mean cat. I still have to feed her and provide for her like a real woman, but she doesn’t hiss nearly as loud when I do something wrong. And you can’t get the wife de-clawed! Am I right fellows?*waits for high five that never comes* Sigh. I am so so lonely.

Yes, I will scratch between your ears. Yes, I’ll get the fancy food you like. I told you, I’ll clean the litter box when I have time. You did what? Great. Poop on the bed. Real grownup. You did that because my mother is visiting. Don’t deny it.

Ryan Gosling Sheer Brown Lace Panties

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ryan gosling pantiesHey baby, you know you wanna let my face all up in there. Twice. Pay the $45. You’re worth it.

Gosling? Isn’t that like a baby goose or something? Whatevs. Enjoy him all up in your bidness.

ryan gosling meme

10 Terrifying And Toothy Items You Can Buy On Etsy

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teeth necklaceTeeth. Why do so many Etsy sellers make things from or about teeth? Why so obsessed? Ya’ll are gross. I said that all southern like to make my point. You guys are just nasty. Click through for a bunch of freaky teeth related Etsy finds that you can really sink your teeth into.
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Looks Like Puffer Fish People: Weird Spiky Triple Head Art

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spiky head artTwo heads are better than one, so that means that three spiky heads must be way better then two. They look like that dude from Hellraiser, only twice as nasty. Make that three times. It can be yours for $800. *art snob voice* My, what an interesting piece. I must get closer and inspect the colors and texture. It speaks of abstract longing and- My Eye! My goddamn eye! I’ll never work as an art critic again and be forced to actually earn my money! I won’t go back to accounting! I won’t!”

It will prick you at every opportunity and feast, every time you pass by, as it slowly grows a fourth head. A head that looks just like yours.

Click through for more images and a bonus video where you can see a hot chick holding it up Price Is Right style.
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