Category: Creep Wear

Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!

Face Coasters: Protect Your Furniture, Change Your Face

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

face coasters
These Gentlemen’s Club Face Coasters attach to your nose and let you change your face. It beats plastic surgery! These are perfect for when you need an instant disguise.

These coasters are double sided so this set of 20 will let you choose between 40 different images. No one is going to recognize the lower half of your face. You can be an old man, choose from several mustaches, meth teeth and more. Pretty sweet!
Read more “Face Coasters: Protect Your Furniture, Change Your Face”

Drippy Ice Cream High Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cupcake shoes
Damn girl! Did You survive an explosion at the ice cream factory, or did you take a hike through Candyland? I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? *Big smile. Putting on the charm* These shoes are just like you sweety. All sugar and sprinkles with a cherry on top. *notices the two mile long trail of ants literally nipping at her heels.*

Uh…Nevermind. Dessert gives me indigestion. I’ll just keep my eye open for a nice girl who won’t bring every ant in the neighborhood into my house. Maybe a girl whose shoes are burgers. The main course, that’s where it’s at. Not the flashy desserts. Meats over sweets, we do the deed with no tweets, that’s my new motto.
Read more “Drippy Ice Cream High Heels”

Scary Plastic Surgery Costume Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

plastic surgery mask
This fun mask simulates the bizarre world of plastic surgery. Either that or a football coach was planning the teams next play all over this woman’s face. It could go either way, I’m not sure.

Hey, I don’t judge. You want to put cement in your dump truck to accentuate your curves, fine by me. Your the one who has to sit on that wide load all day. You wanna change your face, fine whatever. But I draw the line at animal plastic surgery. Like that time I dropped bootsy off at the vet and came back the next day. The cat had Kim Kardashian’s face. Basically a pair of lips inside a lion’s mane.

WTF doc? Do you confuse the word checkup for f**k up often?

You said give her plastic surgery.

Wait, what? Ohhh! No, I said that’s classic “perjury”! I was watching friggin’ People’s Court on my phone! WTF! Why is her ass so huge?

Well, you do a job, you do it right. I-

For f**ks sake!

Awesome Snake Scarf Is One Warm Snake-Cessory

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

snake scarf
Sweeet! This snake scarf is exactly what I need to battle the cold and look fashionably creepy this winter. I’ll wear it outside and then shed my scarf like snakeskin when inside again. You can call me Snake Plissken, or Rocky Bal-Boa constrictor. Even Cobra Commander. But don’t call me snake-neck the nerd. Them’s fighting words.

No way I’m wearing it on a plane though. I’ll ask for like one drink too many and the stewardess will be all like, “I have had it with these motherf***in’ snakes on this motherf***in’ plane!” Damn! Chill! Why don’t you sit down beside me and tell me all about it Sam Jackson. And while we’re at it, why the hell are you my stewardess today?
Read more “Awesome Snake Scarf Is One Warm Snake-Cessory”