Ooooo-la-loch ness.Nah. Nessie isn’t in this Calendar of Sexy Monsters, but many other sexy beasts are here. Like a werewolf, the Blob, Bigfoot, a Xenomorph, the creature from the black lagoon and more. That’s a monster a month and it lasts a whole year long. Which is coincidentally what I say about the wife’s menstrual cycle, but that’s another story. Gotta go rub her feet or she’s gonna beat me up again. The stairs! I mean, I’m gonna fall down the stairs. I’m just clumsy. Coming dear!
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Category: Just Plain Weird
Zombie Survival Manual
You best learn how to survive the apocalypse. Cuz when it all goes down, you need to know how to navigate hordes of zombies,while poppin’ a cap in their heads with your pistol in one hand and slicing their heads clean off with a samurai sword in the other. You also have to learn how to keep finding twinkies and cheetos in the apocalypse, but that’s another story. Better stock up now is all I’m saying. This Zombie Survival Manual will tell you everything you need to know. I’m moving to the mountains right now and stocking up on TP. You should too.
Monster Light Switch Cover Plates
*Flips switch* Ow! Cut my finger on the teeth again. Ow! Damnit! Now I probably have an infection from Monster saliva. What the hell. I didn’t need the lights on anyway. Gonna use candles from now on. Stupid Monster Light Switch Cover Plates. Plus, that puddle of drool/saliva on the floor under the light switch is probably a safety hazard. These guys still aren’t housebroken. And I’m sick of brushing their teeth once a month! That’s more than I brush my own.
If you don’t mind all that, you can choose from this one or this one.
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Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees Piggy Banks – This Little Piggy Went Kill, Kill, Kill
Horror pigs! Pigs of horror! These Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees Piggy Banks from PigPatrol are a great way to save your money. This little piggy went to Elm Street. This little piggy went to Camp Crystal Lake. Both wallowed around in s**t and eventually got cut up for bacon, but that’s another story. You know what Jason piggy says? “Oink oink oink. Snort snort snort.”
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Skeleton Hands Napkin Holder
Everybody put your skeleton hands together for this Skeleton Hands Napkin Holder. It uses both hands to hold your napkins and looks like it is doing so while raising out of a tar pit. When it has no napkins to hold, it just looks like it’s getting ready to clap. Stop giving yourself a hand and give me a napkin already Skeletor! Thanks! High five! No, stop clapping. No more! Stop! Why do you keep giving me the clap?
That came out wrong. I don’t have the clap. You… Stop having the clap. That someone gave you. Shut your stupid claptrap!