Don’t be a Transylvanian dope, use Vampire Soap On A Rope. That way you’ll never drop the soap.
*Lathers up with my Vampire head. Singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and feeling great. Feelin’ clean and refreshed as sunlight filters into the shower as day begins. I hold my Vampire soap up proudly just as sun beams hit it and then scream horribly as the Vampire face melts in my hand and drips through my fingers. Runs screaming out of the shower.*
*Sits in the corner shivering and dripping, traumatized.*
I should know better than to use Vampire soap in daylight.
Deck the halls with Freddy Krueger’s burnt flesh. You can almost smell the evil bubbling. This Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament is pretty awesome. If you could get a whole bunch, it’ll make it look like Freddy exploded and there’s bits of him stuck in your tree. Eww! Yet cool. But I’m freaky like that. Here are some matching fleshy Nikes.
Jingle Bells
Burnt flesh smells
Freddy laid an egg.
My little song gets worse, but that’s all I’m sharing cuz I would like to sleep tonight. I don’t want to tick him off.
I’m only posting this because I’ve gotten like 10 emails asking if I quit the blog to be a full time Jolly Fat Guy. The answer is no. It’s not me. This guy here is morbidly obese, I just strive for being mediocre obese. At best. So everybody just calm down. Enough Santa mail people. I don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice. I ain’t coming to town! I’ll go to town on a bag of Doritos though…
Santa The Hutt here is located at the flagship store of Betabrand, a crowdfunding platform for designer clothes. Does he make you want to buy clothes? It looks like he can’t even fit in his own. Do you have any idea how long it is going to take a man of this girth to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve? Let’s just say he’s stopping the sleigh at every border for a puke and some gasping wheezing.
Brains! Brains! Brains! Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I need some head-flesh. Some Zombie Brain Christmas Ornaments for my Christmas tree. If you know a zombie who celebrates Xmas, these ornaments are for them. They can just pick them off the tree and eat them like candy. Which isn’t recommended for mere humans.
Holy jumping jeebus! What we have here is a dual-injected 8 cylinder nightmare fueled suicide machine cruising down the train aisle at about 2 miles per horror. Did that sound cool? Not really a car guy. More of a moped dude. Holy Victorian hell! These two creepy life-sized Victorian dolls suddenly appeared around the city of London the other day, just doing what Victorian dolls do: Being creepy as hell, riding buses, waiting at tube stations, shopping, smiling at the screams they have created, inhaling the terror deep and being the all around mistresses in charge of the heebie-jeebies.
These dolls are being used to promote the 2016 launch of Thorpe Park, the “world’s first psychological theme park” created by illusionist Derren Brown. Oh is that what this is? Guess what? I don’t want any of that! It isn’t even opened yet and your psychological park has already jumped the gate and horribly interacted with the reality outside. Thanks for going full Jurassic Park right from the get-go.
It’s like 9 AM and I already can’t sleep tonight! Holy water ain’t gonna cut it here. You’re gonna need to sit like 4 popes on a missile, aim it at this park and pray like hell that it exorcises whatever other demons it has lurking within. Effing science creating robots Effing plagues creating zombies. And now effing Derren Brown creating this. Read more “Creepy Life-Sized Victorian Dolls Mess With London Commuters”
