Category: Just Plain Weird

Mutant Sea Creature Vase

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Mutant Sea Creature Vase
This Mutant Sea Creature Vase is all kinds of ugly. In a good way. Everything under the sea is ugly. Just a bunch of creatures all swimming under the sea, bumping uglies. If you ever visit an Octopus’ garden and steal some flowers, put them in this vase. If I’m honest, it looks like a big open scab that’s bubbling after you put the hydrogen peroxide on. Except it doesn’t collect all that lint around the edges when you leave it uncovered. You know what I’m talking about.

I wonder if all of the sea creatures will evolve into floating scabs. How would we ever resist picking them? We have over-fished the seas, it’s only natural we over-pick it’s scabs. This has been another addition of Deep thoughts. With me.

Coffin PopTart Ornament With Real Sprinkles

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Coffin PopTart Ornament With Real Sprinkles
At least the Coffin PopTart ornament is honest. Those things will kill ya. I should know too, cuz I’ve had enough of them thrown at my head. I like to anger my wife at breakfast. Santa is a jolly old fella. Meaning he’s fat. So hang this on your tree and you are gonna get some good presents. It better not be polka dot socks like last year.

I’m getting this, cuz coffin Poptarts beats coughin’ poptarts. Hey, I eat real fast. These things are delicious.

Mini Roadkill Raccoon

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Mini Roadkill Raccoon
Mini Roadkill. It’s like life-sized roadkill, only less messy, with less stink and decomposing. This Mini Roadkill Raccoon will make a great accent piece for your desk, table, shelf, wherever you need a small animal with tire tracks across it’s flattened body. Do you think his name is Stanley? As in flat Stanley? Speaking of that dude, maybe you can mail this guy back and forth across the world, as a reminder to look when you drive. I’m just spit-balling ideas.

I have no idea what to do with a flattened Raccoon. Put it on your Christmas tree behind an elf on a cycle, so it looks like he’s leaving the scene of an accident. Or maybe it was no accident. Elves are demented like that.

Beaded Spiders For Your Christmas Tree

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Beaded Spiders For Your Christmas Tree
Attack of the Beaded Spiders. They’re crawling in your house, crawling in your Christmas tree. Holy sh** they’re crawling all over me. Seriously though, these spiders are going to look good all over your tree. They will probably even creep you out and make you all itchy. I’m scratching all over. But that might be the bag of Oreos and 3 Red Bulls talking. What was that? Who’s there?

I also want to take this moment to remind you all that there are spiders in your home right this very second. Just creeping on their 8 legs. Unseen. Unheard. Always at the edge of your sight. Feeding on tiny insects. Touching you when you don’t know it. Walking on your arm. Careful not to disturb your hair. Biting you, though you are unaware. Living in secret. Perhaps crawling in your ear. Or in your mouth.

Well, goodnight everybody. Have a fit and restful sleep. *yawns*

Zombie Nativity Has Neighbors Mad

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Neighbors Don't Like Ohio Man's Zombie Nativity
Some people in Ohio are getting all bothered about this guy’s Zombie Nativity scene. What’s wrong with celebrating the holiday with baby zombie Jesus? It’s not like the kid bit anyone yet. Still, I know how they feel. 8 days left until Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Woo-Hoo! Which is how I got in trouble for expressing my right to free speech too. Neighbors don’t like a fat guy in the front yard, made up to look like Jabba The Hutt, with a kitty in Slave Leia outfit chained to him. Damn, that kitty can choke ya too. Strong little bugger. I usually pass out once a night with that chain around my neck.

Seriously people, chill. If anyone has a problem with this nativity scene, or my celebration of Star Wars, you can go suck an egg. I always wanted to say that. Has anyone actually ever sucked an egg? Not me. I’m no egg-sucker, you mother-trucker, just ask my buddy Mark Zucker-nerd.
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