Tag: accessory

Custom Metalwork Eye Patch

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

custom eye patch
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sexy about a lady in a Custom Metalwork Eye Patch. You’re a sexy sexy steampunk cyborg pirate aren’t you? They say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king. I say, in the presence of a one-eyed lady, I may actually have a chance. Don’t get me wrong, that chance is slim and none, but it is a chance.

Slim and none means no chance dumbass.

Shows what you know. Slim and nun means I have to go to church to find the girl of my dreams. Hmmmm. Getting through the door without burning a fiery death, that’s the problem.

Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals
Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals. Pretty cool. I have some names I just thought up. Manny Cure. Cutey Cull. Fungus Cyde. Heh. I got a million of ’em. But only ten nails. It’s like my daddy used to say, “You can’t build a house with only ten nails, but you can scratch your neighbor’s wife’s back and lay a good foundation.” I miss daddy. So wise. So horny. For the neighbor’s wife.

Anywho, now you can adopt some of these dumpster rugrats and put ’em right on your fingernails. Awesome. Another day, another blog post. Nailed it.
Read more “Garbage Pail Kids Nail Decals”

Zombie Hand Drain Stopper

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie bathtub stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.

You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.

Braces Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Braces Ring
Meet the braces ring. I hear ya. Braces belong on faces. These braces are in the wrong places. The braces ring punches faces with braces, knocking out teeth and leaving spaces, leaving suckers nothing but shaking disgraces. Sorry about that. My Seuss was loose, but I called a truce.

Anyway, the braces ring is finally an accessory for all of you braces wearers. It goes with your main grill. Don’t kiss your ring or both are gonna get tangled up.
Read more “Braces Ring”

Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.

“What do you have detective?”

*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”

Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)