Epic Little Trees: Bob Ross IS Thor

epic bob rossYou want some happy trees? You want some pretty clouds? Bob Ross has channeled the power of Thor and is here to lay the smack down on any blank canvas that gets in his way. That’s why they call him Bob “the hammer” Ross.

Right now he’s in PBS heaven with Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo, where they are trying to form an Avengers team, but Fred Rogers refuses to hulk the f**k out and Julia Child isn’t all that sexy as Black Widow. They’re working on it. They may have to come down to Earth and recruit Bob Villa to make some crazy armor suit out of old run-down homes.

Thanks for the tip Sarah. As soon as they form a team, you’ll be working the phones at the pledge drive right? I want a cheap tote with a logo on it.

Star Wars Dead Greedo Action Figures

Greedo
Etsy seller DeadGreedy has an obsession with Greedo from Star Wars. He makes all kinds of art with “dead Greedo” as the subject matter. And for the record, Han shot first, but only because Greedo’s fingers are all long and freaky.

The crucified Greedo is my favorite. He dies for George Lucas’ prequel sins.
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This $15,000. Monkey Bike Is Bananas

monkey bicycle
A planet where apes have evolved from Schwinns? Get your handlebars out from under me you damn dirty ape! This crazy Simian Schwinn is bananas. It’s nuts!

The only thing the seller says in the ad is to not get it wet. I can only guess it turns into some weird monkey-gremlin mode of transport in the rain. I promise not to feed it after midnight either. Can I just take it for a spin? I’m digging the whole chimp head hood ornament thing and the banana where a reflector should be. I shall name it Dr. Zaius.
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Life-Size Posable Corpse

lifesize corpse
Please mother. Stop arguing with me. I will find a nice girl soon. You haven’t even touched your dinner. Not again mother! Why must you always fall out of your chair? You are so tense and stiff as a board. Yes, mother. Yes I will look for another victim today. Stop laughing. *Covers ears* Stop laughing at me! I’m a good boy! A good boy! Your good boy will bring home another victim and you’ll see.

2 months later…

I tricked you mother! You are now for sale on Etsy. Once they buy you I will never have to hear your nagging again! Besides, I need more time with dad. Even though all he does is drink. Now where is he hiding? Oh yeah. That’s right. Mom! Where’s the shovel?
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Han Solo Tauntaun… HanTaun

han solo
I see J.J. Abrahams new Star Wars is in full swing. Nice choice merging Han with a Tauntaun. Just needs Jar Jar on top whipping him forward. Now they smell bad AND shoot first. This Han Solo “HanTaun” action figure is…OK, I’m not going to pretend this is anything other than f**ked up. Those eyebrows will insure that it roams the wintry expanse of my nightmares.
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