Tag: bizarre

Realistic Animal Lollipops

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realistic animal lollipops
These Realistic Animal Lollipops were created by Amezaiku artist Shinri Tezuka. Amezaiku is the Japanese craft of lollipop-making, which dates back to the 700s. Wow, humans have been sucking for a long time. I thought it was just the younger generation. You learn something new everyday. And then you forget it, because you get distracted by other weird stuff.

So Shinri Tezuka makes realistic lollipops for the suckers who visit his Tokyo shop. Hey, that’s what they are. Me? I don’t suck mine, I like to lick it all day long and savor it. Hey! What’s so funny? I like lollipops. I take my time. Unlike that Tootsie Pop Owl.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your goldfish pop? Let’s find out. a-one *lick* a-two *lick* three *chomp* What in the seven kingdoms of candy hell? That’s a real goldfish!
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Monster Boxes With Teeth

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etsy monster teeth box
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.

Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.

*Two years later*

*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.

God dammit!
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Monster Bags: Your Emotional Baggage Now Has A Face

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etsy monster bag
Etsy seller pippenwycks sells all kinds of cool Monster Bags. Dice bags, Clutch(Your heart and die at the sight of those teeth) bags, shoulder bags and more. They probably have bags under their eyes from staying up late at night, creating monsters. Funny story: That’s what my mom said when she had me.

I’d get one, but it ain’t my bag… Man. Besides, papa’s got a brand new bag. No, really. It’s nice. No teeth or eyes anywhere. In fact, I just opened it and it contains an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and some curly fries. The monster is me! *Om nom nom nom. Choke. Gasp.* Ate too fast. Drank too fast. Swallowed the straw. It’s really stuck in there, but on the plus side, it’s a straw so… I get extra points for choking while still being able to breath. ER here I come again. Where’s that EZ-Pass / Fast Pass card they gave me?
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Wearable Japanese Futon

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monster shaving kit
It’s almost as if I said to the universe, “Universe, I’m not nearly fat and lazy enough. You think you could send a product my way that will let me just fall down and sleep on a futon that I am already wearing? Cool. Thanks. You’re the best.” and he answered me!

I mean, judging by the picture, it looks like this Wearable Japanese Futon was made for Vulcans, but this will do! Thanks God. And I’m sorry about that whole Ten commandments thing, I really thought it was more of a checklist. I’ll do better! Pinky promise!
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Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask

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Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask
The BUG-EYED MAN is in your town. He’s on the sides of your buildings. He’s landing on your delicious picnic meal, then rubbing his butt in it as his tongue flicks all crazy like. He just spent like five minutes on a steaming pile of poo, soaking up the sun and the germs like he was in a four star resort and now he has landed on your skin, knocking you to the ground because this is a man sized freak! And totally not hygienic!

Yeah, that’s how it would be if I got this Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask. I could finally be a proper public menace and not just an internet menace. It is my destiny!