Tag: decoration

19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit

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vampire killers kit
You may be two centuries too late for this 19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit, but don’t let that stop you. My motto is, “You see a vampire, you kill it!” That’s also my motto for cockroaches and spiders. This kit has everything you need to kill vampires dead. Plus it looks all old timey and awesome.

Reminds me of an old joke I heard once:

There once was a vampire named Mabel, whose period was notoriously stable. One night in June, she sat with a spoon and drank herself under the table.
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Plush Spider Baby: Made From The Souls Of Your Old Toys

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plush spider babyDo you have a bunch of old toys that you would like to re-animate? Cool. Etsy sappymoosetree will work some strange cultist magic and turn your old toys into a kick-ass plush spider baby. Not sure if that involves zapping it with lightning or not, but once this thing comes to life, all of the toys in your house are dead.

And since it will have the souls of all of your old toys and the ones it just ate, it will be an unstoppable force of evil. It may even mutate again all on it’s own. If this thing wanders into a Toys R Us we are all screwed!
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Weird Baby Doll Head Lamp

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

baby doll head lamp
Wow. I knew I shouldn’t have had a kid. I leave ya alone for like five minutes and you have a light bulb in your head and you’re stitched up like a turkey. You are a real dim bulb! Nah. I’m just kidding. This isn’t mine. This is a Weird Baby Doll Head Lamp I found on Etsy. I can see my kid having a light bulb for a head, but not that fancy on/off switch in his belly button. My kid’s would be much bigger because, genetics.

This one is a smart kid though. Can’t figure out how to wear a shirt? Just find mommy’s thread and sew yourself one so you look like a Nike. Hey at least he had plenty of light to work by. Stop playing with your switch junior. No! No! Bad baby! Don’t you dim your light at me.

Realistic Mouth In Glass

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mouth in glass dome
This Realistic mouth is…Realistic. Creepy realistic. Is it bad that I want to kiss it? Don’t worry my sweet, I’m a lover not a biter. Damn, this girl is all chin. I didn’t notice at first, but holy chin dynasty! I think we found that moon dude from the old McDonalds commercials. “It’s Mac tonight!”

No wonder they put this realistic mouth under glass. She’s a Jay Leno cloning experiment gone wrong. Or gone right I guess. The scientists were all like, “Get it under a dome quick!” Then Jay Leno walked in all whiny voiced and prissy like he does, “Hey guyth, whath going on? Any luck with my soulmate yet?”

“Just go for another ride around the block in one of your old cars Mister Leno. We’ll let you know.” *Whispers* “Never tell him. Their chins must not collide!” *Makes large explosion motion with hands*

Gamer Wedding Cake Toppers

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gamer wedding cake topper
Look at these guys. Getting dragged away from their video game crack habit. These Gamer Wedding Cake Toppers let you know right at the wedding that your gaming days are over. Suckers. The first step in not getting married is to avoid women. Period. Step one will help you to avoid women’s periods too. Sure, we all have an urge to spend time with the fairer sex, but that’s what rescuing Princess Peach is all about. What I’m saying is, they can’t trap you into a video game-less marriage if you stay inside and play video games all day.

Take it from me. That’s just how I roll. Of course the only downside is being 30 and having your MOM drag you away from the video games. And up the basement stairs. And paddling your backside, but that’s a whole other story. That really sucks. If you haven’t seen actual sunlight in a few weeks, that shizz hurts your eyeballs! Not to mention your heinie. Happened to me last week!
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