Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only, I present…Rock Lobster and the Waves! Crowd goes wild.
I hate trying to pick up women wearing a Rock Lobster With Waves Hat. You gotta start with small talk, then turn the heat up real gently over a few hours until she’s ready. It’s too much work. And I’m no Don Juan Prawn. Besides, she makes too many waves. Treats me like a shrimp. Also very grabby and it hurts.
Want to wear a real spiderweb? I mean, I already wear them, but that’s only because a blogger seldom moves from their chair.You can wear a real spiderweb with this Real Preserved Spiderweb Pendant. It is genuine silky spider thread from the spider’s poop-sac, preserved in pressed glass and made into a pendant. Hopefully it won’t attract actual spiders who want to live there while you are wearing it.
If your name is Charlotte this is your web. Wear it Charlotte. Wear it.
Check out these creepy crawly glass spiders. Makes me picture a whole store full of these 8-legged demons. I hate spiders. Excuse me a moment while I go order Thor’s hammer online.
*Waits like 7 days because I’m too cheap to buy Amazon Prime.* Now I’m ready. *Bursts through the doors of the glass spider shop. Smashes everything in sight as glass flies everywhere, not stopping until every single spider is dead.* My work here is done. The world is a little safer now.
Read more “Blown Glass Spiders”
This Flying Saucer With Alien Figures reminds me of the time I ran into some aliens. Last week.
Take us to your leader Earthling.
No, you take me to your leader!
But we are guests on your planet.
Leader. Now. I don’t deal with minions.
Our leader is not here. We left him at home. We come bearing gifts, like the cure for cancer, the answer to world peace and the secret for a neverending gobstopper. Fine.
*Grabs a stick and uses it as a cane while I lead them to my house.* Yoda. You seek Yoga.
They soon found out that I wasn’t Yoda, leader of Earth. But it was too late. They are locked in my garage giving me all of their technology and training to be Jedi. I better take a bath because I’m about to be filthy rich.
If you want to look like a yummy mummy below the tummy…Oh turds, I ran out of rhyming words. Be the best dressed mummy this side of de-Nile with these Mummy Leggings. It’s not just a river in Egypt. No, it’s not. I’m denying it. Anywho, these leggings will make you look good when you rise from your crypt in the morning.
I DIYed a pair once, but three thousand band-aids don’t hold up well in the washing machine, which turned them into a small mummy ball. I guess it’s good for mummy soccer. Just an idea I’m kicking around. Do you like that joke? Was it funny? This has been “The Insecure Comedian.” I’ll be here all week, but I won’t make eye contact. How’s my hair? I hope you like me.
Read more “That’s A Wrap: Mummy Leggings”