Tag: etsy

Weird Monster Sconce

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Weird Monster Sconce
There’s a monster in my wall. No, seriously. You should see my electricity bill. This Monster Sconce looks like he’s bursting through your wall and he’s brought his own light sources, which I would replace with beer cans. Hey monster, beer me. Thanks! *Grabs it from his hand.*

Click through for an awesome shot of this monster looking totally psyched over a can of Campbell’s soup. He friggin’ loves that stuff. He’s all like F Yeah! Gonna get all souped-up like an old time hot rod.
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This Dinosaur Dress Is Dino-Mite

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dino dress
Nothing says fashion like two dinosaurs on either side of your bosom. There are 3 dinosaurs if you count the wearer of this dinosaur dress. Cuz girl, you are a Leg-O-saurus Rex. I bet she has a nice Jur-ass-ic park in back. If a girl ever gives me the time of day, I hope it’s her.

Let’s play Jurassic poker. I call. What do you have. Only a pair of twos. I have a full house. *Throws a sponge meteor at her.* Looks like your kind is extinct. Better lose that top!

Awesome! Now I can wear it.
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Haunted Candle Set

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haunted candles
I hate these haunted candles. I always wind up in a staring contest with them, which only ends when the wax melts down and burns their eyeballs. Or mine. I guess I shouldn’t stand so close. Some people never learn.*Checks my scalp burns on my bald head. Hey I have some stubble now. Cool.*

Look at how surprised they look that their head is on fire. That’s the same face I made. That’s also the face I’m making right now. Prairie-doggin’ it something fierce. I’m out guys. I’ll probably make that face one more time when I discover we are out of toilet paper. Yep. Just happened.
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Halloween Spell Books

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Halloween Spell Books
Ohhhhhh. Halloween Spell Books from HauntedMoonEmporium. I hope they have something that turns Necco Wafers into Kit-Kats cuz that really pisses me off. Reminds me of that one Halloween when I found a spell book by a hot cauldron and a pile of ashes with a witch hat on top. I remember it well:

*Re-reads the page.* Okay, it says to lay my hand flat and put a tootsie roll on each finger and on my palm. Alacashizz. Alacashat. By moonlight, by moonlight. The bat took a crap! *Blinding flash of light* Da fuq? *Turns my new tootsie roll hand around and inspects it.*

I was stuck with that damn candy hand for 2 years! Okay, I lied. It only lasted for like a week, cuz I kept sucking on it. Then my hand grew back. Witches. Who writes spells like that? Probably that weird homeless lady with the mole on her nose, who keeps stalking me and licking at her fingers. Something tells me our paths will cross again.
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Monster Teeth Coasters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Monster Coasters
What the? Damn it grandma, you left your dentures out again. *Canned laughter* My boss is coming over for dinner and those are a dead giveaway that you are really a demon under that moo-moo. That and your demon breath. *More canned laughter* Try a tic-tac. I thought we talked about this.

Well, if you don’t move ’em, I’m using ’em as a nasty monster teeth coaster. At least then they’ll think I just ordered ’em off of Etsy. God those dentures are nasty! Do you even brush those? Oh no! Did you glue that on the table? *Ding-dong!* *Looks at camera shocked as it zooms in.*

This has been another episode of My Favorite Grand-Demon. Only on NBC.
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