*Pretend swimming through my hazy and murky bedroom.* What’s that? Oh, shiny! I have to touch it. *CHOMP* This Deep Sea Angler Fish Lamp makes every day an adventure. A scary adventure, full of teeth.
This crazy fish is basically a flood light. Get it? Flood? It stands 5 feet tall, 4 feet wide and 5 feet long. The light over the head will lure you in so that when you walk closer, the eyes and body light up using a motion sensor light. I’m scared just thinking about it.
Sorry I’m late guys. Slammed too many Monster drinks and right now I’m twitchier than a facehugger in a room full of mannequin heads. This Alien Facehugger With Moveable Tail And Limbs is not helping. I discovered it at the same time my cat was behind me and put her tail in my face.
Ahhhh! Facehuggers are real! Get it off! *Grabs tail. Cat screams. I scream. We all scream, but not for ice cream.* And now I have a cat shaped hole in the wall and a pissed off cat with a vendetta. So anyway, I’m all extra tweaky. Did you hear that? Was that a real sound?
Anyway, this creeptastic Facehugger is all articulated with moveable limbs and tail. I’m not scared. I’ll grab it by the back of whatever passes for a neck and point it at a Budweiser. I just turned a facehugger into a beer chugger. Cuz I’m awesome like that.
DEAR GOD! CAT ON FACE! CAT ON FACE!
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Hey, look at those shoes. No wonder you’re so stupid. You’ve been standing on your brains all day. *Chuckles to myself loudly* Brains Platform Shoes deliver a roundhouse kick to my head. I fall on the floor.
*Woman stands over me. Hands on hips* Actually, they are decorated with the brains of those who have wronged me. All men, which is why it took so long to cover them.
Meet the braces ring. I hear ya. Braces belong on faces. These braces are in the wrong places. The braces ring punches faces with braces, knocking out teeth and leaving spaces, leaving suckers nothing but shaking disgraces. Sorry about that. My Seuss was loose, but I called a truce.
Anyway, the braces ring is finally an accessory for all of you braces wearers. It goes with your main grill. Don’t kiss your ring or both are gonna get tangled up.
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What has 6 eyes, 6 arms and two legs, a bunch of stitches and dinner twitching all around it? The Frankenstein Spider Doll. I don’t know if she’s poisonous or not, but she has style.
Guys, I don’t want to scare you but I think I might have the whole Spider-Man thing going on. I was bit by a spider one time and I spent the whole day spinning web out of my butt and bouncing up and down on one strand.
“That was the day you were Peter Pan in the school play. You also had tacos! That janitor was 2 days away from retirement.”
Okay, how do you explain that I would grab a hunk of meat out of the fridge, use both hands to spin a saran wrap cocoon around it and then suck the blood dry?
“That was your ‘I’m afraid to touch meat’ phase, which coincided with your ‘I’m afraid to chew meat’ phase. Basically you are a neurotic and hypochondriac idiot!”
I don’t know what that means, but fine. You still can’t explain why my spider abdomen got so huge overnight.
“Because your spider abdomen is full of half priced booze and stuffed crust pizza. And by overnight, you must mean every night.”
How do you explain my presence on the world wide web then. Hah! I win!
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