Tag: etsy

Steampunk Gas Mask Chandelier

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gas mask chandelier
This Steampunk Gas Mask Chandelier is the perfect way to decorate your home during the apocalypse. And if you get attacked by ravenous farting zombies, you can even grab yourself one of the steampunk gas masks if you need to. I might just buy this one to prepare for the end of the world. I can hang it up and name each mask. You gotta have some friends to talk to when it gets lonely. And only losers decorate a soccer ball with sharpie and call it Wilson. Tom Hanks is such an idiot!

“I don’t know. I rather like him.”

You shut up. You shut your dimply basketball hole Spalding!

Push Pin Earrings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

push pin earrings
Whoever invented these push pin earrings must have thought to themselves, “I use them to attach notes to my corkboard, but what I really want is to shove them in people’s ears!” Sounds legit to me.

*Heads over to my corkboard. Pierces my own ear with a push pin. Cries like a baby for 10 minutes* Hey honey, look at me. I got a cool push pin for an earring. All the cool kids are doing it.

*Wife grabs me by the ear and drags me back to the corkboard. Pins my ear to the corkboard. Ignores my screams as you stretches my other ear to the cork and attaches that one too.* “Idiot!” *Wife walks away.*

Honey, I’m stuck. The pain! The pain! Did you use super glue. Yep. I smell glue! Hey, I have to pee!

Hamburger Couch Pillows

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hamburger couch pillows
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.

*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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Root Chandeliers: Light Your Room With Tormented Souls

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root chandelier
Etsy seller FikoArt sells chandeliers made from tree roots. They also look like tormented souls crying out in pain every time you turn on the lights. Yeah, great decorating choice honey. Sure, I love it. Blah blah, looks great. Nah. I’m good. I’ll just eat my dinner in pitch blackness. Does that one guy have a light bulb for a wiener? I can’t tell, cuz it’s all disturbing.

I AM GROOT! KILL ME!

I am under you, trying to eat dinner. Kill ME!

I guess we are both screwed!

The LAMBAG Lamb Purse Is Not For The Sheepish

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

lamb bag
The LAMBAG is not for the sheepish. This lamb purse is perfect for people on the lamb. I’m gonna call him Lambert and take him with me when I go shopping. “You can’t bring that in here!” The hell I can’t. You have your purse and I have mine. Next you’ll be asking me to remove my high heels and take off my makeup. It’s a GD police state!

“No sir. It’s not the dead animal on your hip, but all of the lamb and sheep puns we object too.”

Stares stunned. “Bah!” Walks out.
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