Tag: etsy

This Monopoly Sweater Gets You Free Parking All Day Long

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monopoly sweater
Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!

Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.

I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*

Ouija Board Heels

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Ouija Board Heels
You women and your shoes. You have to have a show for every occasion. Dinner, parties, the beach, channeling the dead. Why is it not spelled Wee-ja? Stupid English language. Whatevs! These Ouija Board Heels from MissFiendishApparel are pretty neat.

Pardon me Miss, I couldn’t help but notice your amazing Ouija shoes. I’m pretty good at communicating with the departed. Mind if I have a go? Thank you. *Bends down on one knee. Takes a ring off my finger and uses it as a planchette. It slowly moves across the shoe* Mmmm, this is interesting.

What does it say?

It says congratulations, someone is looking up your dress!
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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper

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Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.

“What do you have detective?”

*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”

Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)

Gothic Cemetery Ring

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Gothic Cemetery Ring
If you like it, put a ring on it. *Holds out hand. Waits. Twiddles my fingers* Be that way. *Sulks* Fine whatever. You are all as cold and dead as this Gothic Cemetery Ring.

You can have the smallest cemetery ever right on your finger. So when you give people the finger, they will know that you are not just telling them to F**k off, you are also telling them to die and get buried on a hill somewhere.
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Realistic Anatomic Skeleton Model

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skeleton model
This Realistic Anatomic Skeleton Model is my new best buddy. We are gonna have all kinds of adventures together. He’s a wisecracking loose cannon, while I’m two weeks away from retirement. We’ll hang out all day and tell skeleton jokes and stuff. Bust bad guys. I’ll call him Helter Skelter and I’ll keep him in a fallout shelter. Man, life is sweet. Until they kill my partner.

*Holding Helter Skelter in my arms* I told you to wear a vest! *tears* They knew just where to hit you. *sniff* Because you taught them. *sobbing* You God Damn anatomy model. You taught ’em! And they used that knowledge against you. *wailing. Clenching Helter Skelter tight.*

Promise me one thing pal.

*Crying* Anything buddy. *Sniff* Anything.

Study me like they did. Then use it against them. *cough* Let knowledge be your weapon. *Cough* One last joke friend. *Wheeze* Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

*whispers* No body.

*Skeleton turns to dust* Noooooooooooooo!
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