If you need to calm down and just can’t seem to do it, try some Calm The F*k! Down Flavored Potato Chips. If they don’t calm you the f*k down, nothing will. I know I’m not calm until I’ve had my daily bag of Doritos. That may just be a placebo effect. Possibly the deadly but calming influence of stealth GMOs too.
Yo, calm the f*k down!
How? You just took my calm the f*k down chips!
Good point. Whatevs. I’m calm. Deal.
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Ahhh. Look at the cute wittle fox. You so cute. You so- HOLY EVER LOVING GOD!
This Vintage Taxidermy Fox With Human Wax Face is freaky as hell. And you just know that scientists have already created something like this in their secret labs, forcing it to do funny tricks and stuff as they take selfies with it. Then when Muldar and Scully get too close to the truth they had to kill it, even though it had become an awesome scientist household pet and would watch Big Bang Theory with them every night, laughing and flinging it’s hybrid poo. The last thing we see is the cigarette smoking man incinerating the body. Ugh! I can’t look at it anymore.
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You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.
Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.
*Two years later*
*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.
God dammit!
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Etsy seller pippenwycks sells all kinds of cool Monster Bags. Dice bags, Clutch(Your heart and die at the sight of those teeth) bags, shoulder bags and more. They probably have bags under their eyes from staying up late at night, creating monsters. Funny story: That’s what my mom said when she had me.
I’d get one, but it ain’t my bag… Man. Besides, papa’s got a brand new bag. No, really. It’s nice. No teeth or eyes anywhere. In fact, I just opened it and it contains an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and some curly fries. The monster is me! *Om nom nom nom. Choke. Gasp.* Ate too fast. Drank too fast. Swallowed the straw. It’s really stuck in there, but on the plus side, it’s a straw so… I get extra points for choking while still being able to breath. ER here I come again. Where’s that EZ-Pass / Fast Pass card they gave me?
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The BUG-EYED MAN is in your town. He’s on the sides of your buildings. He’s landing on your delicious picnic meal, then rubbing his butt in it as his tongue flicks all crazy like. He just spent like five minutes on a steaming pile of poo, soaking up the sun and the germs like he was in a four star resort and now he has landed on your skin, knocking you to the ground because this is a man sized freak! And totally not hygienic!
Yeah, that’s how it would be if I got this Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask. I could finally be a proper public menace and not just an internet menace. It is my destiny!