Lovely home you have here. Is that a bone chandelier? I find it rather humerus. And creepy. As they say in France, Bonswa.
That means good afternoon you idiot!
Okay, so how do you say “Adios to your house of horrors. I’m out!”
Au revoir.
Okay then. Au revoir and bone appetit. You ain’t getting my femur, cause I’m a screamer. I’ll fight you like Libya if you take my tibia. I’ll- Do I smell cake? Maybe I’ll stay a little longer. Can we eat in the other room?
Read more “Human Bone Chandelier”
Orders Chinese. Waits for like a half an hour. Guy arrives. I tip him a buck forty and a lemon starburst. Then I go inside and unpack my order. It’s all piping hot. I open up the center container and retrieve my warm and toasty Take Out Tentacle Scarf. Wrapping it around my neck, I smile. I can now go out in the cold.
As I step toward the door, it hits me. It’s friggin June! What the hell. It’s like sub-zero here with the AC at full blast. Well, I guess I’m wearing my Take Out Scarf In today. Hope I fare better than that strangled mannequin below.
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Give me some Bacon Duct Tape and I’ll be wrecking stuff on purpose so I can put bacon all over everything. My wife: Why does the rake have a bacon handle? Did you do some “body work” on my car? Why does it have a bacon roof in the design of the confederate flag like The Dukes of Hazzard? Why did I come home to a bacon crime scene and have to duck under bacon tape to get inside?
The answer to all of these questions is surprisingly simple…. Bacon.
Now here’s a face that only a mother could love. A Cyclops Baby Doll. He’s got one eye and a number two in the diaper. Maybe it’s a she. I have no idea. I just know that it used that horn to cut it’s way out of it’s mom’s belly.
Miss monster mother, you have a brand new baby- Oh, well, that’s unfortunate. *Screams fill the operating room. Doctor checks his watch.* Not two minutes old yet and it’s already poked out the eyes of two nurses. Now it doesn’t feel so alone.
Read more “Cyclops Baby Doll: A One-Eyed, One-Horned Crying Purple Gerber Eater”
It’s been like two weeks since I shaved, so I probably need a Monster Shaving Kit. Something that’s going to eye me up while I lather up the shaving cream in it’s head. Are you giving me the stink-eye monster? Cuz your eyeing me up and it reeks in here. Oh, sorry. That was me. I farted.
You are one scary piece of pottery my friend. I say that because of the glazed look you’re throwing in my direction. You’re making me nervous. Ow! Now you made me cut myself. I’ll just catch the droplets with your head. Uh-oh. Should you be bubbling all evil-like when blood collects in you? Like you are about to come to life? This is not good at all.