My parents used to say, “Brush your teeth, or you’ll go extinct like the dinosaurs!” My grandparents used to say, “Bwush or teef or ul gah estint lit da vinotars.” My grandparents had no teeth. And were dinosaurs. So they knew what they were talking about.
Brush your teeth kids. Like boobs and testes, you only get one set. And these Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders from Etsy seller SnarlingBunny(Stop snarling at me! Why are you foaming at the mouth? Great, I have rabies now!) make brushing fun. Read more “Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders”
Are you a member of the mile high club? Let me ask a different way. Have you had an energy beam capture you and suck you up into the mothership, only to find yourself bent over a cold exam table and getting what those in the E.T. industry like to call “the business”? If you have, then yeah, you’re a member. Put some cream on that thing and get yourself some kick-butt alien patches from this Etsy shop.
These are for members only. They’re pretty funny. There’s an alien with a human head trophy, Jesus, an E.T. reading a “meat” recipe book with a human on the cover and one wearing a human for a scarf. These are gonna look sweet on that denim jacket I’ve been saving for when such things make a comeback. I think the time is right. Read more “Awesome Alien Embroidered Patches”
It takes a certain kind of weird monster to wear a suit and tie everyday and grovel to the man from behind a desk, while whiling the time away and earning that sweet cheddar. It’s not for me. In fact most days, pants and a shirt isn’t even for me. Oddly enough, footy Pokemon pajamas are for me. Like everyday. Ewww. That smell. But they’re so comfy.
Anyway, if you have to wear a tie everyday, try one of these monster ties from Etsy seller tiestory. I’m gonna wear two at once and make it a Creature Double Feature. Read more “Monster Neckties”
Use these Ouija Board Inspired Invites to invite people to your fancy shindigs. Shindigs… Not sure what that word even means, but it sounds like a Denny’s type restaurant in a one horse town.
*Holds Ouija Board invitation to my head* I sense a stirring in the spirit world. There will be liquor and hors d’Oeuvres. Followed by a nice dinner with expensive champagne. I will stuff pastries into my pockets to take home with me. Yes, spirit says to find the coat room and rummage through pockets for cash and free breath mints.*Comes out of my trance.* That seals it. I’m going! *Moves planchette to YES!*
The Book of Yeezus is the bible, well, not the entire bible. Who has time for that? It is the book of Genesis, with “Kanye” or “Yeezus” in the place of the word God. “In the beginning Kanye created the heaven and the earth… And Kanye said, Let there be light: and there was light.”
Probably because Kim Kardashian moved her big fat mudflaps out from in front of the lamp. Damn, that badonkadonk could eclipse the twin suns of Tatooine. BUT it would need a landspeeder all to itself. Sadly, it would no longer speed. And it would really be stuck on land.
I would never read this book. I never read the first one, so I don’t know why I would read the reboot. You so silly Hollywood. Plus, I never read anything that isn’t in HD and doesn’t have explody stuff with guns that never hit other people. And I only put the subtitles on because mom’s trying to sleep and my step-dad for the week is all like, “Tell that nerd to lower the volume. It’s a basement, not a frat house. I can hear everything that goes on down there. Now let me rub this all over your sweet sexy body…”
*raises a cheeto to my mouth as I shudder/cry and watch the movie*
