Tag: fashionably creepy

Bat Winged Tooled Leather Belt And Boots

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bat wing belt
Unleash your inner Batgirl with a bat belt paired with some bat boots. Or your inner Goth girl. Whichever you prefer. I think this might be from the Wednesday Addams collection. Didn’t that go on sale on Thursday? I have no idea. I’ll check with my gal Friday. Anywho, if you want to look badass, you have to wear bats.

Bats are totally in this season. They aren’t just a motif for rich guys who hunt criminals in Gotham by night. Bats are awesome! Bats are insane! Bats are bat-tastic!
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Super Wide Pants

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super wide pants
You’ll need a couple of marines doing that funeral flag folding thing to put these Super Wide Pants in your drawers. Reasons to buy these:

You have a wide load and need wide pants.
You are part of a midget smuggling ring and this will allow you to smuggle a midget on each leg.
Cankles!
Because you don’t trip and fall on your face nearly often enough.
You like to take up the whole aisle at the supermarket.
One washer, one garment. That’s just how you roll.

Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

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zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!

Drippy Ice Cream High Heels

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cupcake shoes
Damn girl! Did You survive an explosion at the ice cream factory, or did you take a hike through Candyland? I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? *Big smile. Putting on the charm* These shoes are just like you sweety. All sugar and sprinkles with a cherry on top. *notices the two mile long trail of ants literally nipping at her heels.*

Uh…Nevermind. Dessert gives me indigestion. I’ll just keep my eye open for a nice girl who won’t bring every ant in the neighborhood into my house. Maybe a girl whose shoes are burgers. The main course, that’s where it’s at. Not the flashy desserts. Meats over sweets, we do the deed with no tweets, that’s my new motto.
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Crucifix High Heels

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crucifix heels
Get thee behind me Satan! What the hell does that even mean? Oh, I get it. These Crucifix high heels(Technically they don’t have heels) have crosses on the back, so if Satan is behind you and the size of a dwarf, he’s totally toast. Man, dressing for church used to be so much easier back before they required you to wear crucifix shoes.

Not that I know anything about church. The last time I entered the place, I started burning and hissing and speaking in tongues. That STD just hurt like hell. I was all like, Quit hitting me with that holy water! Then I was all like, Wait! Try it on my pee-pee Padre. Oh, that’s better. So soothing and mentholated. I knew that chick was trouble when- There she is in the first row!

That’s my daughter!

Congratulations. That’s my peen’s worst nightmare. I’m off to see the wizard. And by wizard I mean a pee-pee specialist.