That No Shave November really paid off. Now it’s December and I have a huge ZZ Top beard that smells like Doritos which small birds like to nest in. Imma decorate this whisker bush for Christmas thanks to Beard Baubles!
Anyone know where I can get a star for the top of my head? I’m looking for something that will turn me into a festive Manicorn. I might string some lights around those ornaments too and get a necklace full of presents.
Fred Marinello sells some really strange and weird toys. Which of course means that we are all over this stuff. You can find a lot of freaky stuff in his online store, but some of the coolest may be these Primordial ooze toys. They all look like they just crawled out of the primordial soup and they aren’t too happy about it.
Waiter! There’s a half-formed dinosaur in my (primordial) soup.
These things are nasty and gross and colorful. Make sure you display them so that kids can see them. They like to live in the nightmares of young children. And bloggers! Gonna be another Nyquil and rum night for me!
Thanks Fred.
Read more “Primordial Ooze Toys Are Gross And Fun”
Please mother. Stop arguing with me. I will find a nice girl soon. You haven’t even touched your dinner. Not again mother! Why must you always fall out of your chair? You are so tense and stiff as a board. Yes, mother. Yes I will look for another victim today. Stop laughing. *Covers ears* Stop laughing at me! I’m a good boy! A good boy! Your good boy will bring home another victim and you’ll see.
2 months later…
I tricked you mother! You are now for sale on Etsy. Once they buy you I will never have to hear your nagging again! Besides, I need more time with dad. Even though all he does is drink. Now where is he hiding? Oh yeah. That’s right. Mom! Where’s the shovel?
Read more “Life-Size Posable Corpse”
Congratulations. You are pregnant. Have this glittery rabbit pregnancy test. You’ll never have a free moment again. Your time will be spent cleaning poop from another smaller human’s butt-cheeks, wiping up drool, stepping on LEGO pieces as you curse the god of reproduction and you generally smell like pee.
Laugh at nerds like me all you want, but since a woman won’t touch me, I don’t have to worry about this stuff and can just play video games while my mom makes me lunch and cleans up around here.
Yes, it is too late to claw your eyes out and un-see this monstrosity. It is called Gender Doubting Thomas. The seller is right, this may just be the creepiest puppet on earth. Is it a man or a woman. Don’t know. Don’t care. I just need it to go away and get out of my head now. From the seller:
“Under this chubby, sweaty, and hairy exterior beats the heart of a little girl…
Details include a creepy comb-over with real hair, chest hair, the bloody hand prints of tiny hands.
He/she is hand cast in latex, hand painted and the multi-layered costume is hand cut, distressed and sewn. A fully functional hand puppet is ready to emotionally scar someone for life.”
It already has. It already has.
Read more “Gender Doubting Thomas Puppet”