Tag: gag gift

Underwear Cookies: Just Wait’ll We Get Our Hanes…In You

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underwear cookiesUnderwear cookies. Edible undies! Tidey Whiteys! They start out white, but after a while they are just a well traveled road covered in skid marks and yellow oil stains from accidents. Accidents are gonna happen on any road. You can say, “Fix our roads. What do we pay taxes for?”, but really you are just too cheap to buy new underwear. And by you, I mean me.

To Etsy seller SugarLaneBakeShop, I say this. I want to eat your undies! All of them. Not ashamed to say it.
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Illegal Alien Mask

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illegal alien maskWhat can I possibly say about this illegal alien mask that won’t come off as rascist? Hmmm. Let’s just look at the Amazon reviews. There are 2. The first basically says, “THIS MASK IS RACIST!” Because, you know, people are just waiting to be offended. Relax Mister heart attack waiting to happen. It’s just a pun.

The second review rightly points out that neither the ad nor the mask give any hint as to the alien’s race, religion or ethnic group. So take that first reviewer. Plus it is an alien. And the only race that aliens have is to see who can get here first and slice up cows for science. Enough said.

Ryan Gosling Sheer Brown Lace Panties

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ryan gosling pantiesHey baby, you know you wanna let my face all up in there. Twice. Pay the $45. You’re worth it.

Gosling? Isn’t that like a baby goose or something? Whatevs. Enjoy him all up in your bidness.

ryan gosling meme

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure Set

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Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure SetThis Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure Set is perfect. I’ve been looking for a suitable mate for my Boba Fett action figure. He is a week away from retirement and looking for that special someone to settle down with.

It’s not all that authentic though. My neighbor is a crazy cat lady, so I should know. The hair isn’t messed up enough and falling out. Plus she’s not barefoot with poop between her toes. Or coming on to me, with that sultry gap-toothed smile. Still, I think Boba will be happy. And he can always put her in carbon freeze if she annoys him.

Toilet Paper Necklace

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toilet paper necklaceThis Toilet Paper Necklace from Etsy is pretty cool. Even though it looks like it would only give a really tiny person like 3 wipes. 1 if you’ve been hitting the Taco Bell a lot.

I would wear it to remind me to buy TP. I’m always forgetting. Just ask my once proud Scientific American magazine collection about that! I’m getting really tired of wiping my ass with inventor’s diagrams and pictures of the latest stealth aircraft. Yeah, my trash teaches dumpster divers to get a f***ing job and stop being a cheap-ass.
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