Fart Warning Underwear. You’ve been warned. I don’t know why you’re still hanging around watching that loading bar reach critical mass. When this thing blows the walls are gonna be repainted.
Just squirted a little, so I can get ya a color swatch. I call it “Downtown Brown”. It’s hip and trendy. I think you’ll like it.
Finally, something to keep me occupied while I’m laying pipe. This Toilet Yoga Book titled “Toilet Yoga (Because Sometimes Sh*t Doesn’t Happen)“, will help you get your business done. It’s full of poses that will help you poop if you’re having trouble launching a Cleveland steamer. It goes well with the Squatty Potty.
I’m guessing some of those poses have names like Downward Facing Dookie, or the Caca Cobra. This book might just help me to reach a place of zen. Rather than my usual place of grunting and cursing like a sailor.
Complain, complain, complain! Let me play the world’s smallest violin. That’s right. It really exists and I’m really playing it. Now listen as it provides the proper ambiance and atmosphere for your whining.
You’re really playing it.
That’s right.
I thought that was just a saying.
It was. Now it’s a real thing, because I’m awesome. It sounds amazing. *Snap.* Nuts! Broke a string. Now I gotta find the world’s smallest violin repairman.
I’m gonna get this Fifty Shades of Chicken Cookbook and me and my chicken are going to have a quiet night in. I’ll set the table, pour some wine, candlelight for two…
Oh chicken you are so lovely. You give me sticky chicken fingers whenever I touch you. Gonna bind your wings with bacon, grab ya by the dripping thighs and truss you up. Gonna rub some butter all over your poultry skin, cuz I know you want that Lard-on. Spank you with some marinade…
I would do all of that stuff IF I had a chicken. But I don’t. Thanks for making me hungry. Stupid book!
*Glug glug glug. Ahhhhhh. Refreshing.* You Have Just Been Poisoned. What in the holy hemlock? Depending on how fast the poison acts, I have between 2 seconds and 10 hours to solve my own murder. First, who would want to harm me? I’ll never get through that list in time. Who could have done it? I’m here all alone. That’s it! I have another personality and they want me dead. I’ll show them. Fills up the cup with poison and Sunny D. No one can resist Sunny D. Now I just wait for them to show up and drink. *Falls asleep waiting*
*Stretches and yawns as I wake up.* Mouth…so…dry. Mmmmm. Yummy Sunny D. *Glug glug glug* You have just been poisoned.
God Damnit!
Who could have done this? Who wants me dead?