Tag: jewelry

Beetlejuice Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

beetlejuiceI don’t have any evidence to support this, but this Beetlejuice Necklace may in fact keep Beetlejuice away if you say his name three times. In fact Beetlejuice-

Nuts! Now Michael Keaton is all up in my business, wearing way too much makeup and acting like he’s all hopped up on angeldust. Now I may have to spend $22 on this necklace to get rid of him.

What the hell is that racket? Stop going through my stuff man! How do I get rid of him? Oh, saying his name 3 times also gets rid of him? He’s gone now. I’m still ordering this necklace. Michael Keaton on crack is too messed up a house guest.

Anatomical Intestines Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

intestine necklaceKnow where your poop comes from and show everyone else, with this anatomical intestines necklace from Etsy seller beatblack. Display your intestinal issues on your neck for all to see.

Always wear your insides on your outside, that’s what I say. That’s why I have a tattoo of my colon on my shoulder, wrapped around an anchor. Gotta respect where the poop comes from.

Behold The Bling Of Kings: 10kt Gold Jesus

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

jesus bling pendantYou may think you’re a holy-roller, but if you don’t have this 10kt gold Jesus pendant, you ain’t nothing but a holy-roller skater, watching a Cadillac pass you by. The Cadillac being the dude wearing this blinged out face of Earth’s lord and savior.

Flash Gordon? James T. Kirk? Doctor Who? No you silly heathens. Earth’s other lord and savior. The original action hero. The almighty Jesus. Here he is all blingy-blingy, looking straight up pimp for $5,950.00 on Ebay. Because everyone knows that Jesus would prefer you to wear some gaudy shiny trinket, instead of, you know, taking that money and feeding the hungry or something. Man, that is some tacky looking Jesus jewelry.

Fetus Earrings Won’t Give You The Power Of Ultrasound

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Fetus EarringsLook at this. The miracle of life on each ear. What was that? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you since all sound waves are deflected off of my twin fetuses dangling from my ears as if swaying on their own umbilical cords.

Weeeee. Mommy is taking you for a wild ride today. First it’s off to Baskin and Robbins, because I deserve it and I have a spare cubbyhole where my butt meets my thigh, that needs to be filled with human-consumptive fat-wax. Then it’s off to the gym to work off yesterdays scandalous B and R rendezvous with raspberry. After that, it’s two hours of rom com on Netflix and then we’re off to the bar. If I play my cards right, I might just have another baby on board. For reals this time.

Can You Hear Me Now?: Body Part Earrings Make You All Ears

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

ear earringsThese body part earrings make quite a statement. They say, “I want- No, I NEED more ears than anyone else. But I only want to dig wax out of two of them.” These earrings are eerie. Get it? Don’t ya just lobe them?

Personal log. Stardate: who the f knows because I sleep in everyday until dark and can’t see the clock radio through the laundry pile… Speaking of ear wax, I’ve just shoved the Q-tip in too far. Again. My attempt at getting enough wax to make an ear wax candle for my Etsy shop is not going well. Not at all. And the voices in my head have started again….

Shhhhhhhh.

Nevermind. False alarm. That was just talk radio being filtered through two pairs of crusty underwear. Is something moving in that pile. *grabs a baseball bat* I’ll be back.