Tag: lamp

It’s For You: Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skeleton phone
Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! It’s for you. Oh, thanks! What the shizz?! This cool Skeleton Hand Phone Lamp will light your home and make it look like a skeleton is picking up the phone for you.

*Calls the repairman* Creepy Phone and Lamp Repair Inc.? Hey, the phone part of my lamp doesn’t work. It never rings.

I’ll come out and look at it.

*Two hours later. Creepy looking Beetlejuice looking guy shows up.*

What do we have here?

The ringer doesn’t work!

Hmmmmm. There’s your problem. The ring finger is broken. I see this all the time. *Puts a ring on it.* Goodbye!

*Calls back* It’s still not working. I can call out, but it never rings.

Okay, hang up. I’ll try the line.

Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! Riiiiiinnnnngggggggggg!

It works! It works!

Yeah and I think we know what the problem is now. It’s cuz you have no friends. *Sad silence* Fine! I’ll come over and we can play with your bone-phone loser-lamp.

Octopus Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Octopus Lamp
Damn. This Octopus lamp is scary as hell.

Daddy, why is that Octopus wrestling that lamp?

You see Billy, when an Octopus loves a lamp very much, he forcibly grabs the lamp and wraps himself around it so it can’t get away. Then he has his way with it. Hopefully with the lights out. It cares not about permission. I’m sorry you had to see that son.
Read more “Octopus Lamp”

Evil Eye Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Evil Eye Lamp
Hey, it’s the all seeing eye. Isn’t that what’s on the dollar bill? Also, the Illuminati uses it to indoctrinate those of weak mind. Illuminati? Nah. Illumi-nutty! No way they exist. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. My head is in the sand. Firmly. No need to come after me. We cool now? Aight!

Okay. Then this Evil Eye Lamp is pretty awesome. It has color changing LED’s and it promises not to hypnotize you and make you do crazy stuff. But it will remain bloodshot because it has no eyelid to moisten it. Plus, maybe it has allergies.

Octo Glow Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Octo Glow Lamp
Oh look an Octo Glow Lamp that looks like a relic you can worship. *Kneeling before my 8 tentacled new master.* What is thy bidding my master? *Head lights up as it communicates with my mind and puts me in a trance.* Yesssss. But of course. *Returns a few minutes later with a brown M and M. Places it before him.* My offering my master.

Yessss. Of course I will buy bacon and beer in celebration of your greatness. Was gonna do that anyway. I think you and I will get along great. *Pets it’s glowing head.*

Nosferatu Lampshade

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nosferatu Lampshade
This Nosferatu Lampshade will light up your life and illuminate the supernatural bloodsucker known as Nosferatu. *Sings* I’m doing all right, getting good grades. My lamp is so bright, it’s gotta wear shades…

This lamp shade is odd really cuz vampires don’t like the light. He should come out when the light goes off, raid your fridge, make a sammich or two and sneak back on the lampshade before you even know anything happened. But what do I know?

How do you know when a vampire has a cold?
He keeps a coffin!

I have proven once again that I can write jokes at a fifth grade level. Go me. Actually I stole that joke from a third grader.
Read more “Nosferatu Lampshade”