Me need wet wipes. Me pee my pants! You guys and gals are a great bunch of readers. You always tell me that I make you laugh so hard that you wet your pants. Sounds like you have a bunch of wimpy bladders if you ask me. Anyway, I thought it was my duty to share these helpful Me Pee My Pants Wet Wipes with you.
Mark the box, “For Creepbay reading only.” That way when you wet yourself, you can clean up. Your welcome.
Damn that’s nasty. This Bloody Shark Bathtub Drain Stopper makes it look like a shark has swam up your bathtub pipe after a ferocious and bloody meal and just kinda got stuck there. Now he’s just hanging out, enjoying the suds from your bubbles, while you two make small talk. Hopefully he doesn’t get loose and start swimming toward your junk.
“What do you have detective?”
*Hovers over body in tub* “This is the second one this week. We appear to have a serial killer. One that likes to eviscerate nads while the victim is enjoying a nice bubble bath. Nothing else is touched. When he finishes his work, he drains the water and with it the evidence. Notice the blood wiped on this guy’s lips. It’s as if something very small and very bloody kissed him afterwards, all ritualistic like. Sicko!”
Fin!
(Haha. Get it? It means the end. Also shark fin! I rock. No…. I Rock Z. Ha ha. I did it again. Like the car. Iroc Z. Other writers can suck it!)
My wife pointed these Sumo Wrestler Notepads out to me. I quote, “If I leave a note for your lard ass on a notepad that has another lard ass on it, maybe you’ll actually notice and do your chores.”
Yeah well. You’re a lard ass!
Real original! Fatso. Remember that time you sat on your iPhone and turned it into an iPad?
Whatevs. Saw a Sci-Fi movie the other night. It starred Jane Fonda as you. Carb-arella!
F you! Rememember that time you sued Xbox 360 for guessing your weight?
They had a camera. I nearly won that case! Anyway, you’re so fat, you leave the house in high heels and come back in flip-flops.
Are you as turned on as I am right now?
I think so even though you are a disgusting blob!
Good. Get to the bedroom you fat f**k. It’s Sumo time!
Bones The English Butler apparently doesn’t know how to wear pants that fit. Or shoes. But he’s a good servant. He puts up with a lot.
“Bones, come here. I need you!”
“How may I be of help sir?”
“You can start by wearing a proper shirt that will cover your ribs. There’s a good man. And for good sake’s chap, must your free hand always be in the position of catching a high five from behind, while it is down low because I’m too slow? Straighten up and get me a brandy so I can stand the sight of you. And get that murder out of your eye sockets.”
“Death sir…”
“What was that?”
“Yes sir!”
“Quite. Quite.”
You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*
Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.