Tag: novelty

Hand Embroidered Sugar Skull Fan

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Hand Embroidered Sugar Skull Fan
I’m a real fan of this Hand Embroidered Sugar Skull Fan. *Waves fan in front of my face* “Oh honeychild, it’s so hot in here. Downright devilish. I do declare, this must be the day of the dead, it’s so hot. Bout to turn my skull to sugar.” For real. That’s a true and accurate reenactment of my great great great grandmother on the porch one hot day in 1878, before her skull turned to sugar and all the neighborhood kids had a treat.

This cool fan (pun intended as far as you know) is hand embroidered and looks super classy. I already know you ladies are hot. Wink. Wink. Now let me cool ya down with this fan.

Authentic Bigfoot Call

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Authentic Bigfoot Call
Guys this is the most accurate Bigfoot calling device ever, at least since that spicy taco fart I did while camping in 1976, which resulted in a three Bigfoots circling my tent wondering what that trash smell was and if the mountain was on fire with ass somehow. This Authentic Bigfoot Call seems totally legit. I’m willing to take their word for it, mostly cuz I’m too lazy to look up a video on Youtube. I’m sure it doesn’t sound anything like a kazoo f**king a duck or anything like that. Just blow into it and it will call a Bigfoot. So it is basically a Bigfoot phone. You know how else you can call a Bigfoot? Hang up a dead goat in the forest and wait. This device is much less messy. Also where do you even find a goat that isn’t part of a meme? No idea.

Dragon Head Flats

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dragon Head FlatsAside from being an awesome band name, Dragon Head Flats are these cool shoes with dragons on them. Also sounds like a place with dragon skulls everywhere. “Hey man, I’ll race ya at dragon head flats!” I am so there. Sadly, these shoes don’t breath fire so you ladies are just gonna have to settle for the old fashioned “kicking us in the balls” when we misbehave, which is a lot. Cuz I’ll probably piss you off with puns like:

Hey you are really draggin’ today. Are you the mother of dragons? Cool, cuz I wanna be the dad.

Stuff like that, cuz I’m what they call an arsehole in the UK and an A-hole everywhere else. Sweet dragons though. You need like dragon print leggings to go with these. See? I offered a good tip. I’m not a complete A-hole. More like a B-Hole cuz I was never an A student, unless I was saying, “Aaaa this sucks.” which it did.

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Soap

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Soap
What is that smell? Damn Freddy! Now I smell why they call you a nightmare on elm street. You rank son! Here, try this Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Soap. You might want to wash that sweater and hat once in awhile too. You smell like you look. Like a trucker’s rest stop bathroom in hell. Just go over there. Further. Further. Is this a dream? Cuz you smell real. Real nasty! Get outta here Freddy and don’t come back until your ass is clean.