Tag: novelty

Creepy Jumping Spider Face Mask

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Creepy Jumping Spider Face Mask
Excuse me while I put on this Creepy Jumping Spider Face Mask and jump around the room, freaking everyone out. Behold my giant mandibles and spider-hair! Hey, spiders have hair! Why don’t they ever do anything with it? You never see a spider with a mohawk. Or a well-trimmed beard. I think that would make them even more scary. They need little spider beauty salons.

Spider mask,
Spider mask,
I’ll wear it whenever a human asks.

Spin a web, out my butt
Jump around like a spider nut.

Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.
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Alien Coasters Abduct Stains From Your Surfaces

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Alien Coasters Abduct Stains From Your Surfaces
The truth is out there. No, really. Everyone knows. And the truth is that your counters and surfaces are nasty. Is that a pool of bright neon glue on your table or year old Mountain Dew? Also, there appears to be a fly stuck in amber on your coffee table. That amber looks a lot like spilled-beer build-up.

Anyhow, ya gotta love that title I put on this post. Alien Coasters Abduct Stains From Your Surfaces. Do I mean furniture or the surfaces of my body, since I just spilled soda all over my shirt? I have no idea. Basically a monkey could run this blog and sometimes he does when I’m passed out in front of the TV with a mouthful of Cheetos and Netflix asking if I’m still watching. Is he any good? Depends. I mean he needs some. He’s really good at leaving s**t in my chair and drawing on my face with sharpie. But he does use a coaster.

Snail Shell Helmet Will Make You Slow And Slimy

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Snail Shell Helmet Will Make You Slow And Slimy
Wanna be a slow and slimy warrior princess? Just wear the Snail Shell Helmet. Weird antenna things not included. You wear this and you’ll become a shell of your former self. Also, they’ll send it to you via snail mail. I do love this helmet though. They totally snailed it! You better make a snail trail to this helmet now before it’s gone- Oh wait. I turned my head and it barely moved an inch. Yeah, forget what I said. You have time.

Horror Movie Villains Playing With Cats Prints

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Horror Movie Villains Playing With Cats Prints
Cats are everywhere. They’re clogging the internets and filling up the homes of crazy cat ladies. You can’t get rid of them. Just ask these horror movie characters. They all have cats, because cats are a natural de-stresser. There’s nothing more stressful than being a horror movie character and killing people for a living. These prints from StupidAnimalShop celebrate their relationship with these little fur balls and show their softer side.
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Pill Necklace

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Pill Necklace
Here, I got you this cool Pill necklace. What, you don’t like it? Oh, don’t be a pill! Don’t worry, it didn’t cost much. I got it from DesignerDrugJewelery who makes all kinds of pharma-cessories. I saved up my money for a prozac bracelet. It’s drugs that you can wear as jewelry. Hang on, starting to feel freaky. Just need a little nip. *Licks my bracelet all over.* That’s better.

Actually all of the pills are sealed in resin so it’s safe. I just lick it hoping that one day I’ll break that barrier. I bet all the big pharmaceutical people are wearing this stuff. The pills in this one are called Protonix. It’s a treatment for an esophagus acid irritation.

*Sighs* If we all wore our drugs as jewelry I would look like Mr. T. trapped in my own necklace mound.