Tag: odd

Freaky Mummy Earrings

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Freaky Mummy Earrings
Is it just me or do these mummy earrings look like plain old dead rats that somebody wrapped up in tea-stained toilet paper? I’ve had dead rats wrapped in TP attached to me before, but that was at a run down gas station. Never walk into a broken down old gas station bathroom covered in potato chip crumbs and peanut butter from your beard to your gut. Especially if it has a crazy-ass rats nest inside.

I hear mummy rats at in fashion this season. Everyone’s wearing ’em. Maybe even your own mummy. I feel like these guys need a sarcophagus gift box. Then they would be complete.
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Miniature Alchemist’s Potion Cupboard

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Miniature Alchemist's Potion Cupboard
Fun fact: For years I thought that an alchemist was just a chemist named Al. Now I know better and I don’t go referring to chemists with their first name followed by the word chemist. Oh, hi Ted-chemist. How are you Chad-Chemist? Sup Fred-Chemist? Anyway, this Miniature Alchemist’s Potion Cupboard is perfect for pint sized chemical enthusiasts.

I’m not getting it though. Last time I had something like this displayed, a couple of mice studied the art of chemistry and created some toxic knockout gas, putting me to sleep and taking all my stuff.

Okay, fine. That’s just my way of saying I farted. Then fell asleep and got robbed.

Amazing Skeleton Cutlery

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Amazing Skeleton Cutlery
Check out this cool Skeleton Cutlery from Skelemental. This is just one of many super awesome and super expensive things that they sell. The place is so expensive, all I did was browse their site for like 10 minutes and my wallet was gone, but that’s probably just cuz I was browsing on my phone and didn’t notice the pick-pocket. The joke is on him, cuz one lifesavers wrapper and a never-used condom from 8th grade is not legal tender.

This cutlery is scary as hell and not just cuz it’ll cut ya. Cuz it looks like what demons keep in the kitchen, although to be fair, I have never actually seen the wife with these at dinner time.
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Peeker Zombie Head Floor Dweller

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Peeker Zombie Head Floor Dweller
Hey, it’s a peeker zombie. Peek-a-boo. I see you. And by the way, you are bloody disgusting. Good thing I can’t see the rest of you. What’s the deal with like, being half stuck in my floor? What are you, some kind of fetish freak carpet sniffer? Fine by me. Just tell me one thing. I’ve always wondered, do my feet smell like decade old cheese or dumpster Fritos in the summer? EHHH WRONG! That was a trick question. I have it on good authority that they smell like decade old dumpster Fritos topped with cheese.

Whatevs. Just keep doing your thing down there. We’ll see how long you last with your nose stuck in the Frito freeway that is my never washed carpet. Ain’t no off-ramp pal.
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The Notebook Of Cthulhu

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The Notebook Of Cthulhu
You know what I would do with The Notebook Of Cthulhu? I would read every entry and find out who his crush is, find out what he really thought about the last season of Gossip Girl, say “I know, right!” out loud a few times, and munch on some popcorn, saying “Oh no he dit-int!” when he talks smack about the Kardashian clan. Then I would gently close it and wait for the next volume to be written. And hope that he never ever knows I read his diary.

By the way, did you read about how he was all tentacle to tentacle with that Kraken? I know, right! And don’t tell him I said so, but he was like, super crushed when Veronica wouldn’t go out with him. Crazy!
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