Tag: retro

Bats & Black Pearls Cat Eye Sunglasses

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bats & Black Pearls Cat Eye Sunglasses
Whoa! Who’s that cat-eyed vixen walking down the street so sexy and sure of herself? It could be you! That’s who! Imagine yourself all cattin’ around and battin’ around with these Bats & Black Pearls Cat Eye Sunglasses. Looking like the cat who ate the canary- Wait. Is that really yellow feathers on the side of your mouth? Dissss-gusting girl!

What exactly are you hiding behind those sunglasses? Oh I see. The bright red eyes of a bird-eating vampire. Well, I guess you have to get blood where you can find it. Come to think of it, you’re talking to a whole bag full of blood right now. *gulp* *Loosens collar nervously. Come to think of it- Tightens it again* Yeah, it was nice meeting you. Heh. I’ll just- I have stuff to do. For people who know where I am and are expecting me. Heh. Good luck on your feeding. *Zips away like a cartoon*
Read more “Bats & Black Pearls Cat Eye Sunglasses”

Chucky Necklace Relief Pendant

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Chucky Necklace Relief Pendant
Hey Chucky! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I have no idea. Frankly I don’t give a chuck. Check out this Chucky Necklace Relief Pendant. What a relief! Heh! Seriously this thing is creeping me out. If you ladies wear this near your chest ain’t no man grabbing at your jublees! Chucky is on guard. Protecting your boobies with a knife! For the record, I wouldn’t do that. It’s just rude. I would have to be a real boob to try something like that.

Chucky looks so realistic he’s scaring me. Is that real hair? That’s real hair isn’t it? Damn Chucky, nice haircut my brother.

Custom Nosferatu Vampire Tank Dress

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Custom Nosferatu Vampire Tank Dress
Man, Nosferatu gets all the girls. Lucky guy. If I was clinging to that body the way this Nosferatu Vampire Tank Dress is, I’d get slapped. Is it a tank top? Is it a dress? I have no idea, but Nosferatu is on the scene, creeping around that girl’s boobies. Oddly enough I’ve heard the same phrase uttered about me. I have to work on my game. Right now I’m at checkers level, but one day I’m gonna be in the world championships of hitting on pretty women. Mind if I practice? Here are some pick up lines:

If I told you I loved Nosferatu, would you hold him against me?

Mind if I rub his bald head?

You must have turned me into a vampire girl, cuz I’m up all night thinking about you.

I think I need a lot of work.

Creepy Kids Mugs

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Creepy Kids Mugs
Check out these creepy kids mugs. And I don’t mean creepy mugs for kids. I mean, mugs with creepy kids on them. Kids who crave brains and eyeball soup. That’s what happens when you raise zombie kids. Like those kids who never look away from their smartphone except to flip you the bird. Look at those kids salivating. MMmmm-Mmmmmm good. More like Mmmmmm-Mmmmmm nasty ya little freak. Gives a whole new meaning to brain food.

Yummy yummy, I have brains in my tummy. Thank you mom for the eyeball soup too. I’m so happy to be a part of this maniac psychopath family. A real atomic family. As in, they should be nuked from orbit.

The seller also has buttons with these little freaks on them.
Read more “Creepy Kids Mugs”

Retro Nightmare Print

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Retro Nightmare Print
It’s the 1950s. Your wife has just brought you your pipe and slippers. Your daughter just expressed an opinion so she’s on time-out sitting cross-legged on the floor. Life is good. Even if Betty Crocker over there did manage to burn the casserole. Looks like it’s whiskey for dinner. Again. You turn on your radio for an exciting night of imagination fun-time, when suddenly killer mutant spiders attack. They enter through the fireplace and even bring a large mutant housefly. For some reason, your daughter is playing with one. What do you do?

Apparently you just turn the volume up on the radio and try to tune it all out as you knock back a few glasses of whiskey. That’s just how you deal with stuff in the 1950s. Happened to my folks all the time. I was the kid playing with the spider. By playing I mean screaming in terror and asking daddy why he doesn’t help.

I wasn’t nearly as brave as that girl in this Retro Nightmare Print.