Tag: style

Werewolf Eye Pendant

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Werewolf Eye Pendant
This Werewolf Eye Pendant is giving me the stink eye. At least, that’s what I assume, since werewolves all stink. It’s like they captured the eyeball just as the dude was turning into a Werewolf and now you can wear it. I hope you’re happy. Meanwhile, some poor Werewolf is going by the name of “One-Eye” and his depth perception is junk now. Can’t even catch a squirrel. Can’t even sleep with one eye open to watch out for other threats. You have basically signed this guy’s death warrant. Was it worth it? Well?

Yeah, I agree, it’s totally worth it. That’s a rad pendant. He’s still got an eye. No harm done. Not like he could see well enough to hurt you anyway, if he found out.

Giant Red King Crab Chair

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Giant Red King Crab Chair
I think I got crabs from your chair?

Are you sure? *Looks at my Giant Red King Crab Chair.* Nah. I keep a clean place.

I haven’t been with any other chairs for weeks.

Hmmm. Sorry baby, you’re barking up the wrong crustacean. Now c’mere and let me pinch ya.

This chair is perfect for me, cuz I feel crabby everyday. I’m also the king of my castle. The crab king. Not sayin’ I have crabs. I’m just the king of said crabs. Seriously, I have a scepter, a crown and everything. I also have a bunch of crab medicine. But that’s just in case. You never know when they might overthrow me.
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Vampire Repellent Necklace

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Vampire Repellent Necklace
Vampires hate garlic. That’s why I eat garlic bread every night of the week. Saved my life many times. Like that night I saw a shadowy figure and I hissed like a wild cat, spreading my garlic venom through the air toward him. Naturally, he retreated at the same time I continued on my way. That time it was just a reflection of myself in the store window, but still. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bites to the neck. This Vampire Repellent Necklace will help too.

Vampires hate garlic and they hate garlic clove pendants. They won’t mess with garlic in any form. That’s why you never see any Italian Vampire chefs.

Pro tip: Always watch who’s buying the garlic products at the grocery store. That’ll tell ya who isn’t a bloodsucker. Anyone that does not buy garlic definitely needs to be followed home and staked. By a professional of course. Don’t try that at home.

Vintage Bat Sunglasses

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Vintage Bat Sunglasses
Go batty with these cool Vintage Bat Sunglasses. If you don’t mind people knowing that you’re a vampire, these are perfect. I should check with my bat-tometrist and see if these will work with my own limited bat-like vision. *Tosses my old glasses aside.* Goodbye coke-bottle lenses! You think that’s bad, my eye doctor wanted me to upgrade to Pepsi. We compromised at Mountain dew. *Tries on bat sunglasses.* Yeah, that didn’t help.

Oh, right… Sunglasses. If I could read the writing, I would have known that. That’s me, blind as a bat. At least now I can have a bat on my face.

Teeth Leggings – Your Roots Are Showing!

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Teeth Leggings - Your Roots Are Showing!
Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Why not wear your teeth on your legs? The teeth on these teeth leggings have some pretty long and dingily-dangily roots. It’s okay, I can say dingily-dangily, cuz we all have one. Well, some of us have ’em. Dangle ’em if ya got ’em boys!

Anyway, ya got nice knee teeth babe, but those roots look like they go straight down to your ankles. And that isn’t a bad thing. *Works eyebrows up and down all Groucho Marx like.* We should get together. Get back to me next week after you molar it over. *Works my cigar with my eyebrows.* I’ll take you to dinner. Would you prefer that I put you under first, so it isn’t painful? Zing and I’m outta here.

And remember, if it wasn’t for the laughing gas, we’d both be crying.