Tag: unique

Fatally Yours Gourmet Chocolate Box

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Fatally Yours Gourmet Chocolate Box
Sorry I’m a month late, but here’s your Valentine’s day gift. See why I am forever alone? This Fatally Yours Gourmet Chocolate Box makes an awesome gift. As long as it’s not late. Things are always better when they’re not late. Like bills and periods. This box is full of chocolate skulls, bones, coffins, and anatomically-correct hearts. Order one early for next year so you aren’t late. These chocolates look diabolical and delicious.

Funny story. When I first saw the name of these chocolates I thought it said Fetally yours. I was disappointed that it wasn’t full of cute little chocolate fetuses, some with creamy nougat filling, some with almonds… But you know how I like weird stuff.
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Stained Glass Corner Spider Web

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Stained Glass Corner Spider Web
Like I don’t have enough spider webs in my corners. You expect me to hang this Stained Glass Corner Spider Web up too? I refuse to get into your web of intrigue. What kind of web are you spinning? It looks terrifyingly poisonous and deadly. SpiderwoodHollow sells all kinds of spider webs. Just in case you didn’t have enough. I don’t know about you, but I like to throw them snacks while I’m watching TV, which explains why every corner of my house has Cheetos and Doritos levitating in place. Spiders are picky. They never even wrap them to eat later.
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Scary Skull Cup With Bone Jointed Handle

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Scary Skull Cup With Bone Jointed Handle
I can’t wait to have a beer in this Scary Skull Cup With Bone Jointed Handle. The bone handle is jointed… For your pleasure. I don’t even know what that means. I’m operating on the left side of a Twix bar and two red bulls. What happened to the right side of the Twix bar? Both sides are right. And if one side is wrong I don’t wanna be right. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this cool skull cup is my new drinking vessel of choice. BRING ME A SKULL FULL OF insert name of some kind of tough liquor that I should be manly enough to drink, but will make me cough and gag.

C’mon, let’s get drunk and slam our skulls together. THUNK! Ow!!!! I meant skull cups. Not my brain casing you stupid- What was I saying? WHO ATE MY LEFT TWIX? I only have the one. Or did I lose the left and I have the right? Why do they give you two? One would be much better for my OCD. I can’t eat it now, even if I could find it. See what you did! Wait. What are the signs of concussion? And where am I?

Black Widow Spider Glasses

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Black Widow Spider Glasses
Widows are the worst, all sex starved and groping you all the time cuz you’re a man and they need some sweet lovin’, but enough about my short career as a gigolo at a retirement community. These Black Widow Spider Glasses reminded me how grabby those blue haired ladies were.

These glasses are bad-ass, showing the deadly black widow in several poses like it’s a sexy spider calendar or something. I don’t blame male spiders for falling for the black widow’s tricks. I mean, ya see an hour glass on their back, you just figure it’s a tramp stamp. You figure it means she’s up for about an hour of fun and that’s it. Hell, that’s 59 minutes and 30 seconds more than I need.

But no, it means death. *Sad face*

Miniature Necronomicon Book Pendant

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Miniature Necronomicon Book Pendant
Wear this Miniature Necronomicon Book Pendant around your neck and summon some monsters and stuff. I tried that once, but the only thing I summoned was a big wet fart. Pro tip: Never mess around with this book. I thought it was a Necro-NOM-icon, as in om nom nom nom this cake is so good. Turns out it was not a cookbook. My mistake. I just wanted to summon a giant Oreo with stuffing the size of a backyard pool. I got that alright! I also got a giant tentacled monster from hell who was eating it.