Tag: wooden

Wooden Head Knife Block

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wood head knife block
Check out this wooden head knife block from Etsy seller DisturbingWood. Ha! DisturingWood! You should see me in the morning! *rimshot*

I need another knife block like I need a knife through my wooden head, but if you buy this one, make sure you giggle every time you slam a knife down into it, just to make your guests or housemates really uncomfortable. No charge for that tip. I have a million ways to clear a room and they don’t all involve ejecting poison gas from my butthole. Although that is my specialty.

Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty Game

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Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty GameThis Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty Game looks like a fun way to spend a Friday night. Better than how I usually spend it, crying at the foot of a large Scarlett Johansson poster with a bottle of whiskey and rolling a D20 in the corner, wishing I had some friends to play D and D with.

Stupid “friends”. You get drunk one time and level your character up to a Sexy Stripper/Wizard street walker, with a resistance to Orc Pimp b*tch slaps and suddenly you are shunned like an Amish butter churner who showed a bit of ankle. It probably didn’t help that this took place at my sister’s women’s gaming group.

Oh yeah, this zombie game looks like some serious undead fun. Stack ’em up and knock ’em down. The problem is, the undead get right back up. You are in for a long night of Zombie bowling my friend.
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Miniature Wooden Alien Cow Abduction UFO Scene

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ufo cow abductionThis hand carved miniature Alien Cow Abduction scene by artist David T. Arber Jr. is the perfect toy for kids or adults who like to re-enact scenes of cow abduction. It recently sold for $112.50 on Ebay.

If only E.T. just wanted to phone home. The real world is more complicated and terrifying than that. E.T. wants to abduct humans and cows, playing strange games with their bungholes. It’s because they made a deal with our government. Their technology in exchange for being Earth’s premiere proctologists.

Now if you will excuse me, my tin foil hat is picking up some transmissions from a nearby star. I have to send a signal back. EARTH TO ET. COME IN ET. THIS BACKSIDE IS A-OKAY. NO NEED FOR AN EXAM. I REPEAT, NO NEED FOR EXAM. STAND BY FOR NEW TARGET NAME. GEORGE LUCAS. I REPEAT, GEORGE LUCAS.
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Antique Articulated Wooden Co-Pilot

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wood co-pilotThis antique wood man is almost life-sized and fully articulated. Perfect for the Creep-pooling lane. Just dress him up in some hip clothes. He already has a carved face and everything.  He will be your new best buddy for $5,499.99. I would hang my GPS from his neck and give him a voice.

What do you mean turn right? It’s a dead end. Why do you always do this to me? This is what I get after buying you that sweet track-suit and sunglasses? We’re not hanging anymore man! It’s over. I’m about to open that door and kick you onto some highway pal! No. No, I’m sorry. The ride just wouldn’t be the same without you man.  Forgive me? It’s all cool bro. Just going through some stuff. People just don’t understand about you and me. Fist bump!
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