Author: Artemis Winterford

Evil Glowing Clown Masks

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Evil Glowing Clown Masks
Beware the Glowing faced evil clown in a suit. That’s what my mom always said anyway. I never understood what she meant until this very moment. Cuz really, this is the same woman who said, “Beware the dishwasher in striped pajamas”. Mom was a drinker. Yet oddly enough her prophecies come true. It just sucks that I have to take the pajamas off and THEN load the dishwasher, but whatevs. These Evil Glowing Clown Masks from NeonNightLife are some real nightmare fuel.

It’s like clowns have arrived from the future to terrorize us so they can rule the Earth in 2057 and make the world one big circus tent freak show. Prepare to be tied up by balloon animals and taken to an internment camp for non-clowns via a tiny car packed full of these guys. I got my bug out bag, so I’m out peeps. Enjoy all those pies in the face and getting acid in the face as it squirts from the flowers on their shirts. Sick bastards!

Scary Skeleton Socks

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Scary Skeleton Socks
Want some bones for those cold lower digits? These Scary Skeleton Socks will do. You might say they are skeleton crew socks. Get it? I love these socks. I say sock it to me! Are your feet cold or are they skulled? Skulled is better. Okay, don’t skulled me for such a bad joke. I had a pair like this once. I wore them until the bones had holes in them, so I just drank a bunch a milk and repaired them. True story. But I left out the part where I was drunk. And now I’ve shared it. No secrets from you guys, cuz we’re BFFFs. Best Friends For F**ks Sake!

Ouija Board For Pets

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Ouija Board For Pets
This Ouija Board For Pets aka talking board will help your dog, cat, lizard and whatever the hell else you have, communicate with you. Or you can use the planchette to talk to your departed animals. Spoiler alert! You know what they all say? Feed me! Dead or alive, they all want the same thing. I don’t need a damn ouija board to tell me what my cat is thinking. He tells me just fine. Scratching up my furniture means he’s an a-hole, coughing up a hairball means he’s an a-hole, not that he’s sick, and jumping on my face in the morning doesn’t mean he’s hungry. He just wants to remind me that he’s an a-hole. That board only needs one large space reading A-HOLE.

Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Leggings

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Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Leggings
Stick your Edgar Allan Toes into these Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Leggings. Your legs will be bare nevermore. Although, if I’m reading these macabre hieroglyphics correctly from top to bottom it actually says, “Edgar Raven Skull”. Which is a much cooler name. That’s what I’m gonna call him from now on. I’m also gonna drop this in casual conversation. “Great face. You have an Edgar Raven Skull, my good man!” See, this is why people think I’m weird. Cuz I am.
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Poisonous Creeper Plants

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Poisonous Creeper PlantsThese Poisonous Creeper Plants from HallowedGrave will make your home look all creepy and Beetlejuice like. And they promise not to strangle you in the night or grab your hand when you are watering them. Not that promises mean anything from a creeper plant. Every Creeper is handmade and unique. Plus they come in many different colors. These plants are spooky, people!

If I were you, I would put some googly eyes on it cuz then you could ask it, “Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers?” Of course you would already know, because they came from you. So forget I said anything.
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