Author: Artemis Winterford

Universal Monsters Retro Action Figures

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Universal Monsters Dracula Retro Action Figures
These Universal Monsters Retro Action Figures are sweeet! There’s Dracula, Wolfman, Mummy, Creature, Invisible Man and that guy at the opera. Hey, remember when these movies were all in black and white? Well, that got me thinking. Dogs see in black and white.

Yeah?

Well, before color TV, we were all dogs.

Except we weren’t because real life was in color.

Are you sure? Cuz I’m pretty sure the world wasn’t in color until like the 60s. The pictures prove it. Cuz they started being color pictures when black and white was over. That’s how you know.

You’re an idiot.

Am I? Or am I the only one with my eyes wide open?
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Vampire Bat Sculptural Box

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Vampire Bat Sculptural BoxThis Vampire Bat Sculptural Box will make ya squee like a little bat. But if it makes you flap your wings and fly around the room, you’ve gone too far. This bat will hold all of your little trinkets and baubles and do-dads. Not sure if it will hold your whatchamacallits. It’s bat-tastic. It’s batting a thousand. It’s bat-s**t crazy. Swing batter batter. Time to batton down the hatches. Quick, to the bat cave robin! Wait, was that the phone? Nah, you just heard my batarang! And with that, I’m off to adjust my meds.

Blood Dragon Gothic Mini Chest

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Blood Dragon Gothic Mini Chest
I wonder what’s in that Blood Dragon Gothic Mini Chest. It’s got chains so you know there’s something dangerous and horrible lurking within. Maybe a blood dragon! Wait! What is a blood dragon? A dragon who feasts on blood? A dragon who volunteers at the blood drive. An anemic dragon? The possibilities are endless. Man, I hate mysteries! I want to open it! I must know! Okay guys, I’m going for it. One. Two. Three. Opening the lid-

Uhhhhh. Yeah, I can’t really talk about what I just saw. Words can not describe it. Think horror on the level of all three golden girls naked and engaging in group activities that are just plain wrong, when George Costanza walks in… then add a blood dragon. *shudders*

Sasquatch Scary Peeper

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Sasquatch Scary Peeper
This Sasquatch Scary Peeper will give your friends and family a Bigfoot sighting. Also, possibly a heart attack.

The Squatch is at your window creepin’,
The Squatch is at your window peepin’,
The Squatch is peeping at your door,
The Squatch is pooping on your porch floor.

And he ain’t cleaning it up either, cuz Bigfoot don’t carry bags with them to clean up their doo-doo. It’s up to you and me. I just wish he wouldn’t eat so much. It’s all huge and steaming. TMI I know. You can’t catch him. You can’t prove he exists. You just gotta clean up after him.

Gothic Spider Web Halloween Wedding Invitations

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Gothic Spider Web Halloween Wedding Invitations
Having a wedding on All Hallows eve? These Gothic Spider Web Halloween Wedding Invitations will help. Say, why did the spider not send out any wedding invitations. Because she was a black widow. And they eat the male after sex.I think. Did I get that right? Anyway, that was a terrible joke.

I’m gonna get married on Halloween too, once a woman will have me. That way we can go trick or treating in our Wedding clothes. Do you have any idea how much candy a wedding dress will hold? Of course it has to come off of the bride first. Then they will complain for years how all of those Snickers bars and Kit Kats ruined her precious wedding dress. Waaa waaa waaa. Shouldn’t have been wearing white anyway, if you know what I mean.
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