Author: Artemis Winterford

Set of 4 Classic Horror Movies Tile Coasters

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Set of 4 Classic Horror Movies Tile Coasters
This Set of 4 Classic Horror Movies Tile Coasters has a cool “tumbled” look. So do I. Just got done rolling around on the floor with a beautiful girl. *Fixes my hair while out of breath.* That’s only because I love that cat and she wanted to play the ribbon game and chase it around for awhile. Sheesh. Don’t make it dirty. Where was I? No, I mean in the article about the monster coasters. I know where I am physically. I didn’t get amnesia. Can we just focus on these cool tiles? Thank you.

These coasters look awesome. I’ve always wanted to set my drinks on small movie monster posters like I was some rich movie mogul. Now I can. You gotta love that art. That Creature from the Black Lagoon poster? This is exactly how women see me as I am checking them out. So I can definitely relate. It’s a good thing that creature never got put on trial at the end of that movie. You know why? He would be found Gill-ty. HAhahahaha You walked right into that one like an upturned rake I left in the yard. Been waiting for someone to step on that. About time.

Zombie Matryoshka Dolls

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Zombie Matryoshka Dolls
Check out these Zombie Matryoshka Dolls. And you thought your family was weird. This family is rotten. Rotten to the core. The core, it turns out, is a little pink brain at the center of all these Zombies. These guys will look great on your desk. Assuming you want to scare others away and work in peace.

Maybe they aren’t zombies at all. Maybe they just have a bad case of family acne. Family acne is what we call the ugly gene. Damn, you all need some Clearasil. How about gettin’ proactive up in your hizz-zouse! Maybe shower in some tough actin’ tinactin. I don’t know what you all have, but there’s definitely a fungus among us.
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Necronomicon Prayer Candles

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Necronomicon Prayer Candles
It’s the lighting of the dead! These Necronomicon Prayer Candles will have you saying a prayer alright. Dear God in heaven, what ancient evil have I conjured up in my quest for spooky mood lighting?

SmallMagicBindery has many styles to choose from and all will have you on your knees, praying to your God, while crying and trying in vain not to poop yourself as a portal opens up, letting horrible nightmare monsters in. Oops. It happened. You pooped yourself. You can either stop to wipe, or run. I suggest running with your big ol’ mud-butt.
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Cool Vampire Bat Wall Sculptures

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Cool Vampire Bat Wall Sculptures
These Cool Vampire Bat Wall Sculptures are a creepy and cool addition to your home. They’ll drive you batty. Cuz they look like they are about to dive bomb you and get all up in your business.

You can hang them in your home or put them in your garden. Seriously, they look like they are screaming at you as they are attacking. I’ll have to rethink these, cuz I already have a wife. Why do I want two more? What am I some kind of Bat-Mormon? Everybody stop screaming at me! I rue the day I included bats in this marriage! Can’t we all just get along?

Steampunk Gas Masks Cufflinks

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Steampunk Gas Masks Cufflinks
These Steampunk Gas Masks Cufflinks will come in handy during special occasions. You want cufflinks that say, “You farted and even my accessories know it.” I was gonna wear some classy cufflinks, but once I looked at the gas list guest list and saw how many serial farters were attending this little shindig, I knew I had to be prepared with the proper wrist accessories.

You’ll notice that they go well with the full sized gas mask I’m wearing on my head. You got a fan in here? You might want to turn that baby on and crank it up to 11. Smells like somebody wrapped a dead body in old cheese.
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