Author: Artemis Winterford

Huge Stuffed Crab

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Huge Stuffed Crab
Huge Stuffed Crab! Huge Stuffed Crab! What’s it stuffed with? I don’t know. Probably your hopes and dreams and kitten wishes, all riding on the fragrant wind of unicorn farts. This stuffed crab is huge! XXL at least.

I haven’t seen crabs this big since the STD clinic near Fukushima got hit with gamma radiation. Don’t make these crabs angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry. They get all crabby. Which is pretty much expected from a crab actually. They are grabby and crabby. They’ll pinch you and make you all scabby.
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Makeup Cosmetic Zipper Bag With Claw Marks

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Makeup Cosmetic Zipper Bag With Claw Marks
If you like your makeup bag clawed and slashed, check out this one. It’s already been pre-slashed by a beast and it wasn’t me. I only leave claw marks on locked cupboards and the crack of my jeans. Some ointment fixed the latter, but I’m still trying to get to the Doritos that the wife locked up.

Anyway, this bag makes it look like you survived an attack from a monster and it even looks like it might be bleeding. Better put some peroxide on that and a band-aid. I hope it doesn’t need any…*Coy smile* cosmetic surgery.

See, because it’s a cosmetics bag. Oh whatever!
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The Hoodlum: A Sleeping Bag For Your Head

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The Hoodlum A Sleeping Bag For Your Head
Get off my lawn you hoodlum! NOW I know what that crazy old guy was talking about? He was afraid I would wrap my head in it’s own sleeping bag and nap on his lawn. The jokes on him. After I left, I doubled back and slept on his porch while he was watching Matlock. No reason really. It was tiring eating that Big Mac and large fries.

Why did you walk to McDonalds?

I didn’t. Dude’s house was a rest stop between me and the car. I get winded after like 30 feet. I’m bringing this thing with me next time so my face stays all toasty.
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Octo-Hat With Tentacles

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Octo-Hat With Tentacles
Need a cool hat that has style? Don’t get your panties in a bunch, but do get your tentacles in a bunch with the Octo-Hat. It will give you gorgeous long tentacle locks that you will want to curl and tease. The tentacles double a scarf. I wonder if the tentacles have suckers, cuz I don’t want no octo-hickeys on my neck.  Am I the only one who finds the eyes on this thing super grumpy?

Don’t be an Octo-puss. Get an Octo-Hat.
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Leather Coffin Journal

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Leather Coffin Journal
Live it up with this Leather Coffin Journal. Well, maybe not live it up. Maybe dwell on our impending deaths as we shuffle off this immortal coil. Wow, that even depressed me. Also impressed me cuz it sounded cool. Probably sounded cool as hell to everyone who didn’t see me choke on that lemon starburst and throw myself against the chair to give my self the old Heimlich maneuver.

Anywho, how do you put a bunch of dead bodies in one coffin? This journal is how. It is perfect for drawing a corpse on every page. That way you have a flip book of dead bodies all sharing one coffin. Maybe make it so it decomposes by the end.

Therefore perfect for undertakers and such. If anyone else does it it’s just weird. Yeah, I know it was my idea. Everyone knows I’m weird.
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