Author: Artemis Winterford

Slithering Snake Cling Ring

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Slithering Snake Cling Ring
Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes? They make me hiss-terical! This Slithering Snake Cling Ring is all needy and clingy like a girlfriend. I kid. I’m the clingy one in a relationship. Holding onto a woman’s leg while she drags me and tries to get away is just an evolutionary trait that I have developed to not be so lonely.

This terrifying snake will realistically coil around your index finger in the same way, while chomping on your ring finger. Cuz it’s jealous and doesn’t want you wearing any other rings. So don’t! Respect the snake!

Alien Purse With Green Bike Handle

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Alien Purse With Green Bike Handle
Check it. An intergalactic Alien Purse With Green Bike Handle. I finally got you you son of a b*tch! I was 10 years old when someone stole my right hand bike handle, forcing my ride to slightly sway left as I peddled, due to a slight deviation in weight and balance. I swore vengeance as my hair blew in the breeze and I felt the cold metal under my right hand. Kids pointed and laughed!

At last I shall have my vengeance! …By buying this craft fail in order to get my glittery bike handle back. Damn it! I have won!

But you don’t even have that bike anymore!

Shut up mom. Vengeance is mine!
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Dinosaur Ties

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Dinosaur Ties
These Dinosaur Ties are for the sharp dressed man that leaves the office early to go play with plastic dinosaurs. That’s actually how I lost my first job. Which was fine because it led to my second job as an office therapist sorting out stuff like sexual harassment accusations and the like. I got to play with my toys all day.

“Now show me on the dinosaur where the bad man touched you. There? Okay. Do the roar. We roar to heal. Now our dinosaurs fight.” That job didn’t last long either.
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Anatomy Drinking Glasses

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Toast to Anatomy and You 2
Raise a toast to your anatomy with these Anatomy Drinking Glasses. No bones about it. I need a drink. Do I pour it directly into my rib cage, my torso? Those bony feet? Screw it! Just tossed it all down my gullet the way nature intended. Right from the bottle. I hate having to make decisions.

So I may never ever use these glasses, but at least I can display and stack them any way I want and they will look cool. Skeletons are always cool.
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Leather Zombie Backpack

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Leather Zombie Backpack
If you plan to go wandering the wasteland of the zombie apocalypse, you are going to want a backpack that says, “This is what happened to the last zombie bastich that messed with me. Come at me undead bro! Bring it!”

This zombie backpack has your back and he’s conveniently faced away so he won’t bite you. That doesn’t mean you can tease him and put stuff near his mouth and watch him snap though. Don’t be cruel! You can store all of your apocalypse accessories inside of him. Pretty sweet.
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