I am stuck on band aid brand cos band aid’s stuck on me! Leave a message that will get people’s attention. No one gives a s**t when they see your stupid little post-it note. Bandages get people’s attention. That’s why i use these Bandage Sticky Notes. I’ll write stuff like:
“If ya find this note fab, I’ll show you my scab. I pick it all day, and all through the night. It’s now an infection, and it’s on my er*ction. PS Can you pick me up from the ER? Thanks”
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These Movie Monster Ties are awesome. Wear ’em and be all fashionably creepy. I would buy one but I would need my mummy’s help putting it on. And she’s no help at all between the arthritis and all of those bandages on her fingers.
I love my mummy though. Of corpse I do. Why wouldn’t I? Confession time: My dad is the Wolfman (Daddy also might be Dracula. We don’t know for sure.) and me and my brother are twins. In the delivery room they called us a creature double feature. Here’s a poem I wrote about my life story.
After we were born mummy became a rummy who smoked too much and called us dummies.
This Stained Glass Black Bat Night Light will put a bat up in your belfry. Sorry, that sounds like something dirty that Dracula would say. I vant to suck your blood. Then I vould like to put some bats in your belfry because you are a good looking woman.
Say, what is Dracula’s advice for not getting depressed by living a crazy long life on the night shift? Very simple. B positive.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I got this book. So…. I will survive. I will Survivveeeeeeee! OW! Hit my head on a damn disco ball. It’s really a bunch of mirror pieces I glued to a styrofoam ball with a flashlight shining on it.
Anyway this How To Survive Anything book will teach you how to survive just like Miss Gloria Gaynor. Stuff like how to survive snake bites, airplane rides, failed parachute openings and much more. Cuz you’ve got all your life to live. You’ve got all your love to give. You will survive. You will survive…hey-hey.
*gets down on one knee. Pulls out the trusty old Raven Ring and presents it.* Nevermore!
Nevermore? What do you mean nevermore? You’ve never been more embarrassed? You’ve never been more disgusted at the prospect of a long life with me?
Nevermore!
Just take the ring. Do you have any idea how much this bird’s head cost me? You don’t love me?
Nevermore!
Screw it. That’s the last time I practice my Edgar Allen Proposal to a bird!
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