Author: Artemis Winterford

Victorian Skull Cufflinks

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Victorian Skull Cufflinks
Victorian Skull Cufflinks are skulls for your formal attire. Whatever that means. I don’t dress up. Obviously. Put ’em on your cuffs and look creepy and awesome. They don’t have jaws so they won’t give you any jibber-jabber.

I had a pair of cufflinks once. Was on my way to some fancy shindig and trying to get ’em on, when I said to this guy, “Cuff me. Would ya?” So he cuffed me and threw me in the back of the police car. He eventually helped me with my cufflinks and let me off with a warning not to turn myself in like that, followed by “You fat bas*ard.” I agreed and we went our separate ways.
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Garbage Pail Kids As Adults

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garbage pail kids as adults
Damn. Garbage Pail Kids is real peeps! My wife is all like, “Yeah I know. I’m living with one.” And I’m all like, atom bomb exploding from the head. St. Louis-based photographer Brandon Voges and digital imaging artist Jordan Gaunce worked together to create these real life GPK. I mean they could have just sent a photographer to my house, but whatevs.

These are the Garbage Pail Kids as adults, thirty years later. Pretty cool. GPK. It’s a lifestyle baby! You just can’t stick me on the fridge.
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Centipede Chair

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centipede chair
The Milli chair has got legs baby! Lots and lots of legs. It looks like it’s rearing up to attack. Just like it’s nasty siblings that show up in my house at night. I hate those guys. All long legs and twitchy and spazzy when you kill ’em.

At least I can ride this centipede chair and be recognized as the centipede overlord. They will all be at my command! And I’m gonna command them all to go to my neighbor’s house. Then I’ll just lie back and relax. Let this thing carry me wherever it wants.

Cocaine Labeled Kitchen Accessories

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Cocaine Kitchen Accessories
*Wipes nose.* Don’t worry, I hid the stuff real good man. *Sniff* No one is ever gonna find it. *Involuntary arm jerk.* F**kin’ feds! *Sniff. Snort.* It’s in the one labeled cocaine!

Hide that Yeyo in the last place they would expect to find it. In a kitchen accessory labeled Cocaine. MoreThanPorcelain sells several kitchen items like sugar pots and creamers, all labeled Cocaine. Cuz you know, it helps to label stuff, even if all you have is plain old sugar in your sugar pot.

Ventriloquist Mask Makes You The Dummy

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Ventriloquist Mask
This Ventriloquist Mask makes you the dummy. Wait. Isn’t the Ventriloquist always the dummy? And the dummy is always the ventriloquist. Man, it’s confusing when one dude talks as another without moving his lips. Also, ventriloquist is really hard to spell. I googled it to check the spelling and it said, “F**k that. Too hard.” Hope I got it right, because the first time I spelled it “ventrilo-queff-ist” and I’m like, really? No way is that right cuz one person can NOT fart for another without moving their lips.

Anyway, this mask makes you look like a dummy. Also like Alfred E. Newman. What me worry? Nah. I never worry. Unless I see this face coming at me. Then I’m screaming like a banshee. And by banshee I mean little girl.