Author: Artemis Winterford

Statue With Uma Thurman Feet

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uma thurman feet statue
When last we saw Uma Thurman it was as a mannequin wearing a Poison Ivy costume. Now we have this….I apologize in advance for making you look at her nasty, weird, proof of alien life feet. They totally freak me out. Kill Bill? More like kill any pair of shoes. I’m pretty sure they’re still growing.

Anyhow, this Etsy seller has a rare statue with a serious case of Ewwww-Ma Thurman feet. The seller bought the statue feet unseen and then discovered the horror when she received it. Painting didn’t help. It only made the demon feet worse. Now she just needs the feet to beat a hasty retreat from her life. For $11,019.28. The price is totally justified. Kinda like lawsuit money for having to look at those nasty tootsies.

What the hell Uma? Why are your feet like man feet with elongated fingers? *shudders* Do NOT want to play footsie with her. Her toes will put my toes in a toe-lock and break bones.

This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set Is A Real Pain In The Neck

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veins and arteries necklace
Whoa! This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set makes it look like you have some serious blood problems, because everyone can see your veins.

You’re so vein. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

This 2 necklace set puts your insides on your outside. Not for me though. Veiny days and Mondays always get me down. And that’s all of the music jokes I’m writing today, because you young whippersnappers won’t even get it. Seriously. Listen to some music from before you were born once in a while. I practice what I preach. Which is why I have an old-timey wax cylinder record player with a giant cone for a speaker. Got a date with a flapper tonight too. Hoping to get all dirty and nasty up in this hizzouse and see some ankle.

This Black Light Reactive Spine Has Backbone

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black light spine
I really should get one of these Black Light Reactive Spines. My wife is ALWAYS going on about how I need to grow one or get one. All guys scream when they see a mouse and need to be slapped until they stop. Am I right? I’ll show her. I’ll get a spine by actually buying a spine. One that glows like it is radioactive and makes me look like a walking X-Ray.

The Paleotron Spine is made from Laser-Cut and Engraved Acrylic, joined together with Stainless Steel Split Rings, and harnessed to the body with chains clasped by a Circular Gate Ring. Two replaceable, battery powered black light LEDs fit into one of the higher vertebrae and the pelvic piece to provide a slight glow in any dark space.

This is perfect for me cuz just like how the deeper you go down into the ocean, the more phosphorescent and luminescent the sea life is, I’m a nerd from a basement that deep. If you delve down through the depths into my lair you’ll see me doing my glowing thing in my natural dark environment as I play my PS4 and nibble on small shrimp that look like cheese puffs. Try not to kick up the dust. It takes forever to settle again since I bought games instead of a vacuum.
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Dinosaur Print Clothes: Jurassic Parka

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dinosaur clothes
I was looking for a kick-ass T-Rex pair of shorts one day when I spotted Etsy seller Hunterandfoxclothing’s dinosaur print clothes. Apparently they come in 3 sizes. Jurassic Small, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Stadium for those who are the size of a mastodon and really need to lay off the Coca Cola. Nothing is cooler than friggin’ dinosaurs in the jungle all over your body.

Choose from dresses, tunics, shorts, shirts and more. The only extinction level event you need to be concerned about is me buying them all up so I can wear them everywhere and roar like crazy. I’ll need to cut a hole for my tail though.
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19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit

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vampire killers kit
You may be two centuries too late for this 19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit, but don’t let that stop you. My motto is, “You see a vampire, you kill it!” That’s also my motto for cockroaches and spiders. This kit has everything you need to kill vampires dead. Plus it looks all old timey and awesome.

Reminds me of an old joke I heard once:

There once was a vampire named Mabel, whose period was notoriously stable. One night in June, she sat with a spoon and drank herself under the table.
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