Author: Artemis Winterford

Weird Baby Doll Head Lamp

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baby doll head lamp
Wow. I knew I shouldn’t have had a kid. I leave ya alone for like five minutes and you have a light bulb in your head and you’re stitched up like a turkey. You are a real dim bulb! Nah. I’m just kidding. This isn’t mine. This is a Weird Baby Doll Head Lamp I found on Etsy. I can see my kid having a light bulb for a head, but not that fancy on/off switch in his belly button. My kid’s would be much bigger because, genetics.

This one is a smart kid though. Can’t figure out how to wear a shirt? Just find mommy’s thread and sew yourself one so you look like a Nike. Hey at least he had plenty of light to work by. Stop playing with your switch junior. No! No! Bad baby! Don’t you dim your light at me.

Creepy Coin Eating Bank

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creepy face coin bank
You could buy this Creepy Coin Eating Bank, but chances are you already have one. It’s called a kid. Those little wallet-thumpers eat money like there’s no tomorrow. And guess what? There is no tomorrow. Because you have kids. And no money for cool stuff. All of your tomorrows are gone. Suckers. That’ll teach ya to not wear a rubber. You don’t see me with a grubby little money-vacuum hanging off my leg. I-

*Ding-Dong!* *Opens door.* *Looks at the little fat kid that was left on my doorstep. Kid looks back.*

I know. I know. Your mom left you here, because she can no longer take care of you and she somehow thinks I have loads of money right? Shut up. I know you’re my kid, not because you’re a little fatty, although that definitely weighs in your favor. No pun intended. I know, because you’re carrying that giant box of chocolate everywhere, just like this little fatty used to do.*Fights back tears*

Take it. This is like 500 in cash. I was gonna get a new PS4 tonight. Now get out of here before we both start crying.*sniffle* *Shuts door.* *Collects myself and looks through peephole. Sees kid going crazy outside, dancing.*

Hears: “Hey dad that crazy f***er just won me the school contest! He didn’t even buy any candy. I just won a PS4!”

God damn it!

Roadkill Bunny Rabbit Costume

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roadkill bunny costume
This Roadkill Bunny Rabbit Costume begs the question, why did the bunny cross the street? To get to the other side. Get it? The other side? As in the afterlife. Now you can be a roadkill rabbit this Halloween. Complete with blood and gross entrails sticking out everywhere.

Why wait until Halloween? I’m gonna wear this and lay on my neighbor’s lawn next Easter. That way those neighbor kids will know that the bunny died for their sins.
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Glow-In-The-Dark Solar System Womens Bikini Underwear

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glow in the dark underwear
Undies. The final frontier. I’m talking Glow-in-the-Dark Solar System Underwear. Hey girl, I’ll let you orbit around my Venus if you let me circle around Uranus! No? That’s cool. I like you, you got a way about you. A “milky way”. *Leans back. Looks cool.* Wanna go for a ride? In my Saturn? No again? Too bad. You really have my mercury rising.

Etsy seller makeitgoodpdx offers all kinds of Glow-in-the-Dark underwear for men and women. Let’s all wear them tonight and go outside at an agreed upon time. Because it’s all about making the Star Trek, not the Star Wars.

Nuclear Family Nesting Dolls: Mutated Matryoshkas

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mutant nuclear family matryoshka nesting dolls
This menagerie of mutant Matryoshkas look murderous and malevolent. Gotta be honest. Not even sure I spelled matryoshka right. Spell check isn’t helping. It does have “try” in it, so as long as you try, that’s all that counts.

These five nesting dolls are a real nuclear family. They have the radiation, falling out teeth, blisters and the odd tentacle or two to prove it too. I haven’t seen a family so ugly since I made my own. Not now junior, daddy’s working. Here’s a pork chop. The dog will play with you now.
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