Author: Artemis Winterford

Skull Shaped Sugar Spoon

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

sugar skull
This skull shaped sugar spoon lets you pile heaping mounds of sugar aka white death onto your spoon so that it looks like the poison it is.

The hell? Did I just say that? Yeah, I’ve been putting the moves on this healthy chick, so I have to practice and pretend I’m not a fat slob. It’s gonna work out great right up until I invite her over for Mac and Cheese with a bacon appetizer.

Totally getting this spoon though. Mounds of skull sugar are the best. It’s like having a sugary grim reaper bringing you one step closer to his embrace, a spoonful at a time.
Read more “Skull Shaped Sugar Spoon”

Carry Your Heart On A Leash

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

heart on a leash
I have your heart on a string Creepbay readers? That’s so sweet. And so true. I love you too. Smoochies. Let’s make out. Well, you have my heart on a leash. So take me for walkies, cuz I have to lift my valve and pee out of my aorta. I’m hoping to mark some fire hydrants and I have a few trees that need the bark burnt off of them.

Etsy seller iimio created this freaky walking coronary for a project on “the body clock” while attending Tama Art University’s graduate school. It really walks. There’s a video below to prove it. Apparently they built two so they could race them at what they’re calling the great Pacemaker race. It’s priced at $8,648.65, which is still way cheaper than buying a replacement from a Doctor.

Read more “Carry Your Heart On A Leash”

Five Finger Fillet Pen Holder With Custom Pens

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

finger fillet pen holder
I used to be the king of Five Finger Fillet back in the days when I had five fingers. Scratch that! I’m still the king baby! You don’t have to worry about slicing fingers that aren’t there. All hail the king minions! Give me five! I mean slap me two. Spot me one! Played again and now there’s none!

Imma get this Five Finger Fillet Pen Holder so I can relive the glory days of spurting blood and screaming like a baby. It comes with it’s own custom pens and basically looks like a liquid metal Terminator hand stabbing itself.

Human Finger Balls

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

human finger balls
These creepy human finger balls are what happens when genetic engineers make toys. You’ll poke your eye out kid. These are perfect for when you want to give a gift that gives your kid the finger. Give him all the fingers while you’re at it.

The package says, “Throw them! Stretch them! Catch them!” Note that it doesn’t say, “You and a friend can pick both nostrils at once!” or “Mom likes them best!” It’s a toy! It’s a mutation! It’s just crazy enough that it might work. What the hell is wrong with this toy company?

Moby Whisk: Whisk It With A Whale Tail

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

moby whisk
When some batter comes along, you must whisk it. Now whisk it. Whisk it good. With a whale tail. Whale hello! This mixing whisk has a whale tail. Thankfully, not the kind you see at Walmart. For those you would need a much bigger bowl. It is taking the kitchens of animal lovers everywhere by storm and goes perfectly with the Loch Ness Monster Ladle.

Have a whale of a good time while whipping up some food for the family. It’s really over-whale-ming.
Read more “Moby Whisk: Whisk It With A Whale Tail”