Author: Artemis Winterford

Main Drain Turns Your Toilet Into A Urinal

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main drain urinal
The Main Drain is for people like me who come home drunk and pee against the wall thinking they’re still at the bar and hosing down a urinal. Clean up is a real pain and slipping on pee can lead to serious injuries. The solution is not to stop drinking, but to turn your toilet into a urinal.

That’s what the Main Drain is all about. Just put your main vein in front of the Main Drain and drunken peeing will no longer be a pain. It attaches to the side of your toilet. One question. If I’m too drunk to hit what I’m aiming at already, what makes you think I won’t drop a deuce in this thing, thinking I’m using a fancy space toilet? Does it have a warranty is what I’m asking.
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Gotta Stuff ‘Em All: Pikachu Mouse Taxidermy

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taxidermy pikachu
This stuffed Pikachu mouse is going to look great next to your stuffed Ash squirrel. I’m assuming you have one already. He’s a little stiff, but he’s ready to fight for you in the Pokemon tournaments.

I don’t know much about Pokemon, but I’m pretty sure they should do more than stand there being dead. Maybe he’s just playing possum so he can lure his enemy in real close, then he’ll kick Squirtle in the nads. I’m hoping it’s Squirtle anyway. Can’t stand that guy. Does he even squirt? If he does, that’s nasty. Finish him Pikachu!

Bloody Horror Candle

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blood candle
If you live in a house of horrors, where the walls bleed, the sink bleeds and otherworldly voices tell you to get out, this Bloody Horror Candle won’t even be noticed. But if you have a nice calm house that wasn’t sold to you by a demonic Realtor, this candle should scare your guests all by itself.

As it melts, it drips blood and just looks like a nightmare in general. On the other hand it does smell like crisp apples, with a touch of orange and spice. Smells bloody delicious.

Giant Cardboard Robot Arms

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giant cardboard robot arms
This giant cardboard robot arms DIY kit lets you create…giant cardboard robot arms. Sweet! I am gonna terrorize everybody. At least until somebody figures out my kryptonite. NO! Not the box cutter! If that happens I’ll just run away to my robot lair and cry. Then move to another town and terrorize them all over again.

The kit comes with everything you need to create two giant robot arms and it will take you around 5 hours to complete. They measure 5.5 feet long. This is gonna be fun. Cower before me humans!
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Crucifix High Heels

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crucifix heels
Get thee behind me Satan! What the hell does that even mean? Oh, I get it. These Crucifix high heels(Technically they don’t have heels) have crosses on the back, so if Satan is behind you and the size of a dwarf, he’s totally toast. Man, dressing for church used to be so much easier back before they required you to wear crucifix shoes.

Not that I know anything about church. The last time I entered the place, I started burning and hissing and speaking in tongues. That STD just hurt like hell. I was all like, Quit hitting me with that holy water! Then I was all like, Wait! Try it on my pee-pee Padre. Oh, that’s better. So soothing and mentholated. I knew that chick was trouble when- There she is in the first row!

That’s my daughter!

Congratulations. That’s my peen’s worst nightmare. I’m off to see the wizard. And by wizard I mean a pee-pee specialist.