*What’s that?* Oh, that’s just my trusty Space Unicorn. He doesn’t do much. Just sits there. Looks awesome. No lasers shoot from the eyes and it doesn’t poop glitter. It just does it’s own awesome thing. It was probably attracted to my awesome manliness and my sweet bachelor pad. *Yeah right. It was probably attracted to your virginity!*
Hey, you take that back! *Can’t take back what hasn’t been lost yet* Fair enough. I just like it because it’s pretty and sparkly.
This Dragon flower pot is perfect for Snap Dragons. You know, those flowers that look like dragon heads, that you can play with and move it’s jaws open and shut. I only reason I know what they are is because I got in trouble for “relieving myself” in the neighbor’s garden. Seems I “Burnt” Mrs. Everitt’s prize Snap Dragons with my “devil’s urine”. I remember it well…
*Swirling graphics, turning into a distorted haze*
“Look at what you’ve done. You idiot! You imbecile! Nothing but a shriveled mess! It’s as if the Earth were salted and a swarm of locusts hit these plants. Clearly you have the devil in you!”
“In my pee? It does sometimes burn… Now, now. Let’s not be unkind. The shriveling is because I just got out of the shower. I can assure you that shrinkage is quite normal. A woman of your considerable age should understand-”
“You idiot! The flowers! All shriveled and and burnt!”
“It’s not like I peed in your garden.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I’m not a friggin’ animal. We only have one bathroom and the wife locked me out. So I peed in an empty monster drink can, like ya do, and just tossed it into your garden. I think you owe me an apology Mrs. Everitt. No worries. Oh, I noticed that your Petunias have a similar problem. Glad to be of help.”
I love this Shark Bite Adult Sleeping Bag. You can get in and shark all around the floor, all flippy floppy like a shark out of water, until you find your roommate’s leg hanging off the side of the couch and take a giant bite while he’s watching Shark Week. Dude, shut your hole. Stop screaming! The neighbors are going to complain. It’s just a flesh wound. Jesus, what a baby!
This sleeping bag is 6 feet 3 inches long. Plenty big enough for an adult human to be the predator of the house. I would advise you to go for the head first to avoid the screams of your prey.
*Removes “Gone Squachin'” sign* I’m back and you’ll be happy to know that I’ve bagged a Bigfoot. It took a few drinks and a story about how I was in the CIA, but she eventually came around. The bag was strictly for my protection, because her feet weren’t the only things about her that were big and ugly. Oh, I also caught a Sasquatch.
Turns out all you need is the “In Search Of” theme music mixed with the “X-Files” theme music and a poster of a half naked Dana Scully nailed to a tree. Oh and this Bigfoot Research Kit helps too. Just makes you all official.
Well, I’m off to teach it sign language and how to get snacks from the convenience store. They won’t even notice the difference from when this hairy ape goes in and fills a cart with slim jims and doritos. They’ll probably ask if I got a haircut.
Make like some cheesy crust and slip into this Slice Of Pizza Sleeping Bag. Did you sleep good? Yeah I had a good slice! Saucy dreams too! The pillows are sold separately by the same seller.
I’m buying one and having a big sleepover next month, so I expect 7 of you girls to buy this. Then we can all lay on my floor in a circle and make a whole pizza. Warning you now though, I will likely burrow from one sleeping bag to the other while you are snoring away, like a crazy pizza-groundhog. If we wake up in the same slice you have six more weeks of winter, so you best cozy up to me. Just the way it works.
Well, it’s been a slice. Laterz.
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